This be where the catagories be at yo

Thursday, December 16, 2010

Halo Reach





It's certainly worth mentioning at this point that besides the first game Halo: Combat Evolved, I have avidly despised everything Halo. Halo: Combat Evolved introduced an amazing FPS experience, an interesting (if a bit recycled) story, and was essentially the beginning of the multiplayer FPS craze. But then came Halo 2 and 3. I cannot comment on ODST as I have never played it, but I have played 2 and 3 in their entirety. And it was almost as disappointing playing them as it was when you asked for Legos but your parents gave you mega blocks instead, a real soul crushing kind of disappointment. Where Halo 2 didn't do that much wrong, it also didn't do a whole lot right. It just fell into instant mediocrity, yet because it was the follow up the much loved Halo: Combat Evolved everyone went absolutely bat-shit for it anyways. So with the rabid fanboys clinging to hopes of greatness, very much like a dog clinging to the bumper of a car which he now wishes he had never caught in the first place (these two are of similar intelligence as well) no one wanted to admit that 2 was nothing special. But that's all it was, far from greatness, but just barely managing to keep itself from falling into the black void where they keep all those old E.T. games.

And then came 3. 3 wasn't just a case of "meh this is nothing special but it's annoying that it's so hyped", 3 was one of the worst games I have ever played. I cannot even fathom how people sat down and played this game and then said such things as "greatest game ever made" or "this game is better than the sex I'll never have with the girlfriend that shares the same qualities as the sex!". This game is a truly broken piece of garbage. Playing it is not altogether dissimilar to shoving a toothpick underneath your toenail and kicking a concrete wall, hard.

Its graphics were garbage, both technically and artistically, they would barely have been passable on a last generation game. The gunplay was disjointed and inconsistent. Sometimes it would take just a couple bullets to the face from a pistol to kill an enemy, and then later, on the exact same enemy type, it could take 5 clips just to slow it down. None of the guns even felt powerful. If I fired an assault rifle I got the impression that I wasn't shooting bullets but pure concentrated love and caring at my enemies, and if I fired a rocket launcher, the enemy would have to be at least 50% slower than the common brown sloth, and also dead, in order to not get out of the way in time.
                                                         Like this but in bullet form

And this all brings us to the final nail in the coffin of Halo 3, which I can only hope has spikes on the inside, the story, or lack thereof as it were. I played through the entire game, and only once or twice did I really get why I was doing what I was doing, this isn't because I wasn't paying attention or because I didn't understand the assuredly Shakespearean writing, it's because no one ever actually says whats going on. There was something about Africa and a Covenant teleporter and the flood coming back and I honestly don't know any more detail than that, likely because there WAS no more detail than that. Don't get me wrong, games without a coherent story can be pretty fun, I loved Gears of War and I don't think it's going to be winning any awards for it's plot any time soon.

But the problem is that if you don't have a solid story, you need some damn good game-play, and Halo 3 just didn't even come close to delivering in that regard. Now I'm sure that as soon as the fan boys see this part they aren't even going to read the rest of the review and will instead pelt the comments section with such intelligent insults as "y dnt u try and taek meh i culd reck u wit mah battle riful" and "hurr halo nevar dun mi roung nd u are stoopid 4 nt lieking it", and possibly the occasional "screw you man I'm gonna go have tearful angry sex with my right hand". But for those of you who hated it, or even those of you who liked it but choose not to be idiots about it, please read on.

So, now that it's just us, I'm going to say right off the bat that Halo Reach is a great game. Not perfect, but truly great. For me it redeemed a series that had been far from glory ever since its second release. Reach is like Bungie's swan song. (WARNING HERE THAR BE SPOILERS) As most of you know Halo Reach follows a team of 6 Spartans called Noble Squad, who are playing their part in a defense effort, as the covenant invade the earth-like planet of Reach. This all takes place earlier on the time-line than the other halo games and to those who have played, and paid attention to, the Halo series thus far you already know that Reach is fucked beyond all belief. But this knowledge comes with the added benefit of giving Reach a sense of urgency and a truly impressive atmosphere. You really feel that you are fighting a hopeless battle that has already been lost. And to make matters worse (EXTREME F*****G SPOILER ALERT) your squad dies off one by one throughout the course of the game, and the kicker here is that sometimes these deaths come with little to no fanfare. It's a bit of a shocker when everything seems to be going alright and you've got a few seconds to catch your breath, and then a sniper round comes out of nowhere and punches a hole clean through a squad mates head. Ultimately the game culminates in an epic race against time in which you must deliver an AI (Cortana) to the Pillar of Autumn (the ship on which Master Chief is catching some Z's). I won't give away the specifics of what happens, most of you already know by playing it yourself, or simply assume because you know that things didn't go so well for Reach in general.

The Breakdown

Graphics: While Halo: Reach isn't overly impressive from a technical standpoint (it's still damn good just nothing mind blowing), it is absolutely stunning from an artistic perspective. One scene in particular in which you fall from space just before the ship you were on explodes is stunning, especially when you wake up planet-side and see the aftermath of the explosion.
There is also some truly impressive animation work here. A grunt with a plasma grenade on his face will flail his arms wildly in a panic and run in circles until detonation. There's lot's of stuff like that but possibly my favorite feature is the executions. Approaching an enemy from behind and holding down the melee attack button will cause your Noble to perform an awesome "assassination" (the camera zooms out to a 3rd person view so you can see the full glory).
                                             (blue made one mother joke too many)

The last graphics related thing I'd like to mention here is the extent to which you can customize your Spartan. Normally you would think "who cares, this is an FPS I'm never going to see my characters body anyways" but in this case you actually do, not only can you look down and actually see your body, as opposed to just being a floating pair of arms with a gun, you also see your character as you have customized him in the cut-scenes. These features are well implemented and a lot of fun to just toy around with, but there is one problem which I will mention later.
                                 "like, oh my god, do these shoulder pads make me look fat?"


Gameplay/controls: Everything is solid here, the controls are easy to master and everything works the way you would think it should. The problem with hit detection present in Halo 3 (read: having to shoot one grunt 3 times to kill it and then the next grunt takes 40 for no reason) is no longer present here. Armor add-ons such as armor lock and jump packs all function perfectly, I really don't have any complaints to make about the way Reach handles.

Multiplayer Features: I cannot actually give too comprehensive of an opinion here because I tend to stay away from the multiplayer sections of these types of games as they are typically jammed to the brim with the aforementioned fan boys. And it's especially noticeable here because, it is quite sad to say, the general population of the Halo online community is composed of fanboys who have roughly the cognitive abilities of a rather small potato. I'm all for healthy competition, but if you're looking for some good-natured fun, just play this one with your friends. Another problem here is in the coop sections of the game. In talks leading up to the release of the game executives at Bungie had stated that because they were putting such a focus on customization, they were going to be making the coop work such that both players characters (or 4 players as that is the maximum for coop I believe) could see their customized spartan in cut-scenes. But this was most certainly not the case, and at some times this was just downright ridiculous. For one example, there is a scene in which Noble 6 finds himself alone in some sort of troop transport. If you play coop the other player does not exist in this scene, it's weird and leaves the other player feeling disconnected from the story. I don't know what happened to this idea, it's likely somewhere on the cutting room floor crying to itself and feeling generally left out, much like my coop partner did when he realized that his character would not be featured at any point in the game.

Overall: All in all, like I said before, Halo Reach is the swan song of Bungie's Halo franchise, even if you didn't like the previous games there is a very real chance that you will fall in love with this one as I did. It's great to play with friends, its story is constantly engaging and exciting, and it has more than enough content to make it worth your while.

My Rating: 8.7

All credit for Halo Reach goes to Bungie
©Alex Jenkins            subscribe/follow for more updates.

Tuesday, December 14, 2010

And So it Begins

So maybe you were home sick one day, there was a Spongebob marathon on, and you said to yourself, "well shit self, I don't have anything better to do, I'm gonna watch Spongebob". And so you did, and then came that one special episode, that one when Spongebob tries to get his boating license. You may have scoffed, you may have said "Spongebob you suck at boating, my grandmother can boat better than you and she can't even say her ABC's anymore! YOU DON'T EVEN DESERVE A BOATING LICENSE!".

Well to all you sick freaks who took so much joy from our little yellow cube's suffering I encourage you to walk a mile in his shoes. This game WILL break your very soul. The only objective, is to get Spongebob's boat from point A to point B, the controls are even pretty simple, pressing up on your arrow keys makes the boat accelerate, down makes it decelerate and left and right make the boat lean forward or backward (to get over obstacles such as rocks and coral, the God. Damned. Coral...) but anyways that all sounds simple enough right? Well it's not, the very fabric of reality in bikini bottom has evidently been torn asunder, the slightest miscalculation in speed or trajectory WILL send Spongebob and his boat spiraling out of control through the air, or water as it were, even just grazing an obstacle from the wrong angle will result in a fiery explosion from which there is no return. There are all kinds of fun obstacles too!

For example, you're trundling alone in your boat thinking, hey, this isn't so bad, in fact I'm doing pretty well! Then you see a rock up ahead, but you aren't worried, you know how to get over rocks! Just have to lean back a little bit, then lean forward and then you're safely over the rock right? FUCK YOU. Guess you didn't notice that TINY PIECE OF GOD DAMNED CORAL sticking out from behind the rock huh? Yeah I guess not cause now you're hurtling through the air to yet another horrific death. Good job asshole.
                                                               Imminent fiery death

The first level is hard enough, and you start from the beginning of the level each time Spongebob is burned alive, but then things get even worse. Should you accomplish the awe-inspiring feat of passing the first level, you will be greeted on the other side with what can only be described as hell. The level is at least 5 times harder, and here's the kicker, if you die here, Spongebob is reincarnated not at the beginning of the level, but at the beginning of the entire freaking game. And it just continues to get worse, and worse, and worse, why anyone would continue playing at this point I DO NOT KNOW, but they did, and here's proof.


Hell I won't lie to you, I can't even get past the 2nd level, a little piece of my blackened soul dies and flakes away every time I watch Spongebob burn in the fires of his forsaken boatmobile. It takes a truly black hearted person to make a game this ball shatteringly cruel, but it takes none other than Satan himself to make a game this ball shatteringly cruel that was INTENDED FOR CHILDREN. JESUS CHRIST. I just, I don't even, ugh.

Credit for Spongebob Boat-o-cross goes to Nickelodeon
All else is ©Alex Jenkins

In the beginning there was me.

Sup, so once my finals are over I'm gonna be posting some game reviews (for my army of lovely readers out there). This is likely going to be a mix of new and older games, with the occasional masochistic torture game thrown in every now and then. So gather your friends, and we shall assemble a review blog the likes of which the internet has never known.

Alex