And So it Begins

So maybe you were home sick one day, there was a Spongebob marathon on, and you said to yourself, "well shit self, I don't have anything better to do, I'm gonna watch Spongebob". And so you did, and then came that one special episode, that one when Spongebob tries to get his boating license. You may have scoffed, you may have said "Spongebob you suck at boating, my grandmother can boat better than you and she can't even say her ABC's anymore! YOU DON'T EVEN DESERVE A BOATING LICENSE!".

Well to all you sick freaks who took so much joy from our little yellow cube's suffering I encourage you to walk a mile in his shoes. This game WILL break your very soul. The only objective, is to get Spongebob's boat from point A to point B, the controls are even pretty simple, pressing up on your arrow keys makes the boat accelerate, down makes it decelerate and left and right make the boat lean forward or backward (to get over obstacles such as rocks and coral, the God. Damned. Coral...) but anyways that all sounds simple enough right? Well it's not, the very fabric of reality in bikini bottom has evidently been torn asunder, the slightest miscalculation in speed or trajectory WILL send Spongebob and his boat spiraling out of control through the air, or water as it were, even just grazing an obstacle from the wrong angle will result in a fiery explosion from which there is no return. There are all kinds of fun obstacles too!

For example, you're trundling alone in your boat thinking, hey, this isn't so bad, in fact I'm doing pretty well! Then you see a rock up ahead, but you aren't worried, you know how to get over rocks! Just have to lean back a little bit, then lean forward and then you're safely over the rock right? FUCK YOU. Guess you didn't notice that TINY PIECE OF GOD DAMNED CORAL sticking out from behind the rock huh? Yeah I guess not cause now you're hurtling through the air to yet another horrific death. Good job asshole.

                                                               Imminent fiery death

The first level is hard enough, and you start from the beginning of the level each time Spongebob is burned alive, but then things get even worse. Should you accomplish the awe-inspiring feat of passing the first level, you will be greeted on the other side with what can only be described as hell. The level is at least 5 times harder, and here's the kicker, if you die here, Spongebob is reincarnated not at the beginning of the level, but at the beginning of the entire freaking game. And it just continues to get worse, and worse, and worse, why anyone would continue playing at this point I DO NOT KNOW, but they did, and here's proof.


Hell I won't lie to you, I can't even get past the 2nd level, a little piece of my blackened soul dies and flakes away every time I watch Spongebob burn in the fires of his forsaken boatmobile. It takes a truly black hearted person to make a game this ball shatteringly cruel, but it takes none other than Satan himself to make a game this ball shatteringly cruel that was INTENDED FOR CHILDREN. JESUS CHRIST. I just, I don't even, ugh.

Credit for Spongebob Boat-o-cross goes to Nickelodeon
All else is ©Alex Jenkins