Let's talk about INCOMPETENCE!

Specifically when it comes to whoever manages EA's dealings with Steam and the boys over at Steam tech support. I've had problems with Steam ever since I first started downloading from it years ago, but to be fair they have since made quite a few improvements and up until recently it was no longer a crap shoot when you bought a game from them. One problem has persisted quite effectively however, not unlike herpes, and this problem is that the download rates on Steam, are slower than a crippled sloth on ice, no matter how fast your internet connection may be, Steam downloads are NEVER fast. But that isn't the core of the problem today, the core of the problem today is that Steam and EA released thousands of CD Keys that don't work. The game that these CD Keys were meant to unlock was in fact the long awaited Dead Space 2. Now you, like me, might say "well that doesn't seem like a big deal, just have Steam submit the non functioning but legally obtained keys to EA and have EA activate them". But sadly it has become apparent that Steam is run by a group of people whose cumulative cognitive abilities do not even come close to rivaling that of a retarded chimp. Anyways no review today, just a rant. Hopefully Steam does some firing and hires some people who have their shit together so we can all gain access to the game that we paid for.

Castlevania Lords of Shadow

Ok so the holidays are over and I'm now back, and hopefully able to procrastinate slightly less. Anyways that's all I have to say about that since I owe you absolutely nothing.

Castlevania LOS is awesome. But before I get into the actual review I want to be totally clear. I know next to nothing about Castlevania, I have hardly even played any of the previous games in the series(except about an hour spent on one that was on the gameboy color back in the good old days). As a result of this I can't comment on how well this keeps in line with the aforementioned games, but what I can say is that this game was intended to be a reboot of the original series. So for all I know it may have taken the lore of the original games out behind the shed and unloaded both barrels on it. But to me it was great. The gameplay may have been nothing more than a mixture of other successful games (most notably God of War and Shadow of the Colossus). But instead of being a stitched monstrosity akin to Joan Rivers face it is a collage of all of the best parts of these games, plus an added touch of it's own unique style. But this, unfortunately, does not mean that it is without flaws. 

These flaws are found almost entirely within the design of the levels. Typically in a completely linear game such as this the path forward is always obvious. This is however not the case with Castlevania. I do not mean to say that I could never figure out where to go or what to do, and honestly most of the time it WAS obvious. But the few levels which caused problems were so unbelievably frustrating that they threw off my enjoyment of the entire would-be masterpiece. One particular example of this is in a later level of the game, when you find yourself in the titan graveyard. The level at first seems straight forward, you hop from dead titan to dead titan avoiding the water below (which will poison and kill you in seconds) fighting occasionally and working your way towards the end. The only problem is that when you get to the end, the game informs you that you need two rune shards to progress further.

At first I said to myself "well that's no big deal, I'll just take that side-path I crossed back there a ways, I'm sure I'll find them there." so that's what I did. I hopped my way back and found absolutely fucking nothing. The path in question branched off to the left and right, to the right was a dead knight, and to the left was a dead-end. Not only was I on the brink of death from accidentally landing in the water several times, I had absolutely nothing to show for it. I was forced to ask myself "why, in frozen hell, did the developers put this god forsaken island here?". Not until I started running in circles out of pure boredom and frustration did i discover the way forward. The left path wasn't a dead end as the fixed camera perspective would have had me believe, it actually turns sharply to the right. There is ABSOLUTELY NOTHING to suggest that the path goes in this direction, and you would never know it was there if not for pure blind luck or a dogged determination to run through anything that you perceive to be a wall.

Complaint 2. The god damned music box level. The music box level is a pure puzzle level, in which you find different colored cylinders, which when entered into a console will play different tunes (depending on the color inserted). These tunes will make the traps around the music box passable (if only just). After some study you will realize that the color of the cylinders matches the color of the carpets in the different hallways and that the matching cylinder will disable that hallways traps.

It's really not the puzzle here that is frustrating, it's the stunningly irritating voice of the witch Baba, who is responsible for putting you in the fucking box in the first place. She NEVER shuts the hell up, were I Gabriel Belmont the first thing i would have done upon exiting the box would have been to sow her stupid imbecilic mouth to an enraged porcupine, and tie her up in a closet for the rest of her very, VERY, unnatural life(being sure of course to leave ample food and water for the porcupine who doesn't truly deserve this fate). Im serious here guys, I've heard bad voice actors, I've encountered many an irritating character, but never anything like this, and because I got stuck on a couple of the obstacles here, namely the fire and lightning traps, the piercing shrill of her voice was very nearly enough to make me just throw the game down with those E.T. cartridges.

                                                                        Baba
                                                                 

Unfortunately that isn't the only time a problem like this rears it's head. The other instance would be earlier in the game when a young girl appears and offers to help Gabriel on his quest. Helping Gabriel essentially boils down to never doing anything but constantly yelling directly to your brain (she is a telepath) to do things that you are already in the process of doing. It's like that younger sibling you've always hated who sits there watching you play, and when you finally realize what to do and do it, they shout it out as if they had just discovered it and had saved you by divulging the secret at the last second. She is quite insistent about this as well, it's only mildly irritating at first as she reminds you every 10 seconds how many more crystal shards you need (thanks sweetheart but I do believe that I can get to 4 without losing count, I can count to potato you know). But when this becomes infuriating is when she "accompanies" you during your fight with a titan. Her voice is at least nowhere near as grating as the witch Baba's but her constant insistence that you should do what you are already doing gets to be downright maddening (not to mention distracting).

But that's enough of that, on to the rest of the game.

The Breakdown

Graphics:
This is an all around stunner, from the massive beautiful and varied landscapes down to each swing of Gabriel's combat cross everything is flawlessly designed. This game is both technically and artistically an absolute powerhouse, so much so that just stopping to appreciate the landscape, or the massive skeletal dragon you are holding onto for dear life, can be just as enjoyable as fighting hordes of undead monsters.

Gameplay:
As previously stated, this is an absolute and unashamed rip off of several other games as far as gameplay goes. But what it takes from other sources, it implements wonderfully. And at no point did I feel like I was just playing God of War or Shadow of the Colossus with a makeover, it did manage to carve out its own identity. However there were a few moments, during which the controls didn't seem to have the right level of finesse for the tasks I was asked to perform but given a few attempts I was able to slog my way through these rougher patches. Combat was almost always a joy to partake in and enough different combos and powers are tossed your way throughout the course of the game that it stays fresh and exciting. But there are a few opponents which feel like a chore to fight, chief amongst these are the skeletons, but these enemies are few and far between and do not even come close to dragging the game down. Especially not when most stages are topped off with some of the best boss fights I have ever had the joy of playing. Even in the few infuriatingly difficult levels that had me hung up I just reminded myself that once I got through the bullshit obstacle course, or figured out where those fucking rune shards were, there was almost certainly a phenomenal boss fight waiting for me. From vampires to titans, there is not a single bad or frustrating boss fight in this game.

Plot/Story:
Actually this turned out a whole lot better than I was expecting. I kind of went in with the belief that the story would be just as shallow as that of the games it so readily stole everything else from. I mean lets be honest here, Shadow of the Colossus didn't even have a story, there wasn't a single spoken word in the entire damn thing besides the hero occasionally yelling AGAROO or something like that to call his horse. And God of War, great game though it may be, had an extremely generic and played out revenge tail. Kratos makes a deal with a god for power, said god betrays Kratos, Kratos sets off to kill said god. But the story of Gabriel Belmont is filled with enough twists and turns to make M. Night Shyamalafsafwehuifsef hang on the edge of his seat. I was honestly surprised at where things ended up in the end, and on top of that the whole thing is narrated by none other than Patrick Stewart, I mean shit, how could you go wrong there? I won't give anything away but rest assured that all is not as it seems.

Overall:
Castlevania: Lords of Shadow is a fantastic game, it manages to throw nearly constant action at you while still maintaining an undeniable intelligence and complexity rarely achieved in the action genre of games. This is an absolute must buy for any fans of the genre, I give it a 9 out of 10. God damn Baba and Claudia shrieked and pestered it right out of the perfect 10 it could have been. But really, if even a bastard like me has nothing more significant than a couple of irritating voices to complain about, you're doing a damn good job, hell I hear irritating voices everywhere I go anyways.

P.S. everyone, I apologize for the lack of pictures here but I had a real bitch of a time finding images that were licensed for re-use, better luck next time.

©Alex Jenkins Level 2 Reviews