Rant time. With sort of a review of Darksiders.

So I'm not normally one to slam a game around for being derivative, because, let's be honest with ourselves. If no one used other peoples ideas to make their games, the gaming industry as we know it would not exist. For example, I don't hear anyone calling Call of Duty derivative because it uses the exact same combat mechanics as Half-Life did oh so many years ago. So why do you hear so many people calling games like Dante's Inferno, "God of War clones"? I mean shit people let me get this straight right about now. The biggest turning point in the 3D action game genre, was Devil May Cry. God of War broke no new ground whatsoever besides throwing a small army of generally pointless quick time events in your face to break up it's merely competent story and combat. But regardless of that, I don't think God of War should be called a Devil May Cry clone for the very same reason that Call of Duty is not called a Halo clone, and whatever other real time strategy games exist are not Starcraft clones (Also Gears of War and Army of Two, the list goes on). But this doesn't mean that a game cannot be a ripoff, I'm just saying that it requires more than just similar combat mechanics and the same point of view to make something a truly blatant ripoff. This brings us to....

The reason I bring this particular case to your attention is because it is the very first I have played that I think should be paying royalties to roughly 20 other games, oh and also reviewers universally LOVED it. It got a metacritic score of fucking 83. EIGHTY. THREE. I shit you not, it's like someone took Watchmen, The Hulk, and the Dark Knight, and spliced them together without any particular order in mind, threw it on the screen, and fucking Ebert shit a house over how great it was. The parts in play may be great, but that does not mean that the whole will share that quality.

Darksiders is the epitome of plagiarism. There is not a single original idea in this entire mess of a "game". Here's the thing, if maybe you have a life, and you don't really play many games, but someone tossed you this steaming pile, you might actually like it in your oblivious state of mind. But if you have been even mildly interested in the gaming world at any time in the past 10-15 years, just brace yourself. In Darksiders you play the role of the God of War, er sorry, I meant to say you play War of the four horsemen of the apocalypse. Through circumstances out of your control you are stripped of your abilities and have to slowly regain them throughout the game (WHAT? THAT'S CRAZY! NO GAME HAS DONE THAT!), but don't worry your faithful blue fairy Navi, er, shit, did it again, I meant to say your blue demon guide named the Watcher will be there to help you figure out where to go and what to do in tight spots. Oh and you almost always have to find one special item in each major area which will allow you to gain access to the next area and solve the puzzles within, you know, little bit like a game about a bro in a green hat with a sword but hey, I'm just thinking out loud here.

This doesn't have context, I hate this game way too much to go picking it apart for the right bits.

So now you're thinking, "but Alex, you just said that borrowing game features doesn't necessarily constitute an actual rip-off! You're contradicting yourself!". And I would agree with you, while the extent to which it robs Zelda is a bit irritating, I can't really justify calling it plagiarism (CoD to Halo again) but there is something else. Something far more troubling.

Now I've been a Devil May Cry fan for ages, and I played them all way too much but most of all I played the ever loving shit out of DMC3. It was just a quality game, the story was there (though you were having too much fun to care if you were playing) and the combat was just balls to the wall insane, and the game was so damn hard that you felt like a badass after killing a nasty boss (until you realized that you were sitting in front of a TV, single.). But my point here is that I really got to know Dante's set of moves, from his basic combos to some of his crazier special moves. In fact I got to know them so well, that I didn't even have to check the move list when I went into Darksiders. Because it uses. The exact. Same. Fucking. Combos. It's all done at an extremely sluggish pace for this type of an action game, but if you look closely, it's exactly the same. And that my friends is where I draw the line. Now I know you might be saying something stupid like "but Alex! All of the guns in FPS game shoot exactly the same way!". Yeah that's right idiot they do because guns can only shoot one way, shut up. In a genre with so much freedom, you'd think they could at least have given their character some attention, maybe tried to really make him their own. But obviously they weren't interested in that, they just wanted to cash in on the surge of 3rd person action games ever since DMC and GOW. So these dumbasses just threw together a shoddy, piss poor excuse for an IP and called it done. And the worst part of it all is that IT WORKED.

Same deal here don't bother.

Now I'm gonna go ahead and throw in a few more of my thoughts on this game, mostly focused around it's flaws because that's about all it has.

First and most noticeable is the art style. When the game first starts up you are treated to a very nice looking CGI cutscene of very realistic looking people running away from what I assume are realistic looking demons (I unfortunately don't know what demons actually look like). But when you are placed in control of your character in the in-game engine, everything changes. The world takes on a bizarre quasi-cartoonish look, and it just does not work for this game, at all. And another reason why this part in particular pissed me off, is that reviewers in general praised it's graphics. Why they did this is beyond me but I leave it up to you, if you sit down and play it and even TRY to pay attention to it for more than 15 minutes (it's hard to do I know) you will notice all of these absolutely glaring incongruities. For example, one minute you are fighting this dark twisted looking demon/dragon/lady thingy, and it looks sort of cool and kind of fits for the tone of the game, then you run into monsters that look like they just stepped out of that old Hercules cartoon. It just doesn't work, and every time I noticed it, I was just completely sucked out of whatever small amount of immersion the game had managed to create. It's tough to get invested in the battle between heaven and hell when the minions of both look like fucking Disney cartoons.

Seriously guys I'm just trying to break up the walls of text a little.

But art direction is not the only graphical problem here, this game has one of the worst frame-rates, of any game I have ever played, and I'm running a damn decent computer, and this game looks like shit, there is no reason for it to have a sloppy frame-rate. But even worse than this is the visual tearing that runs across your screen roughly every 30 seconds to a minute.

This might be the same one as before, I just don't care, nor do I have more screenshots, and I'm not going to take more either.

The controls are garbage too, not only are they extremely poorly mapped out for the keyboard (2 different weapon swaps are both mapped to the same button) but even once you get used to them, they are just clunky as hell. War's movement is about as awkward and unresponsive as it could possibly be, there are huge delays between when you hit W and when he starts walking, and another big delay between when you let go, and when he actually stops. He can't jump for shit, he swings a sword slower than a potato would if it had arms, and the gun controls.... sweet invisible wizard in the sky the gun controls.... No, no you know what? I refuse to even talk about the shooting in this game, I just won't do it. Suffice to say that if you thought Army of Two had questionable aiming, you should avoid this game like the plague.

What the hell? I didn't add this....

But my biggest problem with this game, besides the ripoff factor, is the fact that it is completely and utterly devoid of any substance after the first 15 minutes. Now I admit, I didn't finish the game but I did play it for well over 5 hours, and beyond the relatively interesting introduction, I did not feel that I had done a damn thing. Every single objective in this game just feels like padding or artificial lengthening, it's like the game knows it isn't packing much, so it slips a sock down it's pants before it heads out to the clubs. Literally every objective is, go to this place and kill this guy! Or go to this place and bring back this item! And while these types of objectives are fine when tied to a story of some sort, they do not do well when they are just arbitrary tasks that you are doing for no other reason than that the game says you should. Not to mention the pointless locked doors.

Dead Space 2?! What are you doing here?! You're a good game! Sweet Jesus, DARKSIDERS IS ADDING PICTURES ON ITS OWN NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

Let me just paint a scene for you. You come to a door, it has a strange blue energy blocking you from touching it, you realize that you need a key to unlock it. So you go about searching for the key and immediately find it one room over. But just as you pick it up you are swarmed by enemies who can do almost NOTHING to you. They are not a challenge, they aren't even fun to kill, but damnit you've gotta kill them or you can't keep moving forward. So you do, then you open the door having added 5 minutes or so of absolute nothing to your game which so far has contained absolutely nothing.

Now I know that similar mechanics are used in all kinds of mainstream action games, Devil May Cry especially. Many doors are sealed until you beat the demons that are guarding it, but the difference is, you are killing them because you need to get through that door, and you know WHY you need to get through that door, and most importantly, killing them is FUN. But in Darksiders none of those criteria are met. The fights are boring and slow, you have no idea why you need that door open, you just do, you don't even have an idea of the overlying plot. Or at least, if at this point I DID have a sense of the overlying plot, it was a fucking terrible one. Anyways things just went one step too far for me, the demon Samael who is imprisoned but for whatever reason is capable of fully restoring my powers (which forces greater than GOD took away from me) has sent me on 3 identical quests back to back. Go here, kill demon, bring back heart. 3 times. No story info is being revealed during all of this, it's just mindless killing, it's stupid, it's pointless, and it isn't even worth the 5 dollars that I spent to buy it on sale. If you have any self respect or any love for quality in video games, buy this game. Not so you can play it. So you can burn it and ensure that no other poor sod makes the same mistake I did.



Nͫ͗ͩ̏͛̆̕͏̨̧̖͕͍͔̰̻̳̯̳͔̮ͅ ̸͋ͬ̂̾̂̋̂͋̋ͧ͐͏̰̠̲̥̻͉̭̭͎̥͙̻̲͔̙͚͘Ơ̢̧̮͉̳̲̪̖̞̦̥̓͐̇ͣ̊́͋͐̑̈̑͐͆̄ͨͤͤ̉͝N̨̉ͪ́҉̬͔͚̙̙͙͖͇̦̺̭̜̘̻̯̼͝ͅE̶̴̢͚̰͚̖̤̮̥ͩͥͫ̓͐̈̀̃̾̔̆̊ͯ̐́ ̵̧̪̱̬̝̘͇̥̫͇̲͖̘̥ͥ̋̊̂̈́̄͗̊̇ͥ̓͐̇͡O̧͍̫̻͕̪̞͖̞̱̯̰̞͈̠̪̪̓͐̎͋͗̑̐ͨ̃̾ͥ̀̃́ͫ̈͞F̵̷̡̞̣̞̘̰̞͐ͣ̽͒ͨ̓ͣ̈̎̌͂ͩ͞ ̸̷̪̠̼̱̣̩͒͗͗ͧ́Ḧ͙̣̤͕͚̠͙̲͈̉ͮ̈́̈̉̑̏̉ͣͤ͘İ̴̖͙̤͙̤̫̪̗͔̗͇̭͈͔͇͋̉̊̂̌̉͑͆͟͠͝͠ͅͅS̢̻̘͈̪̟̲͚͈͚͓̞ͪ̃̏̅̓ͦ̒ͪ̆ͦ̐ͬ ̷̧͕͔̪̖́͆̾̅̿ͮ̓͗ͥ̉̃̓̔ͫ̂̚̕͝͡Ś̷̭͓͎̹͈̺̺͓͔̦̉̌ͫ͋ͥͮ͊ͧͩ͝Ǐ̈ͪ̒ͫͫ̇̈ͣ̑ͩͮ̄͑ͣ̆ͦͮ̀̀̕͠͏͎̞͉̯̭͕̬̼̮̪̱̘̲̙X̵̸̻̩̺̙̰̌̍ͮ̈̋ͤͬ̽̑̽̇ͪ̏̓̓̋ͫ̚͘ ̶̶̧̛̰̹̫̫̖̥̱͚̱̜̙̥̠͖̫͑̀̽ͯM̯͖̥̹̭̯̖̞̟̤̲͉̍̽͂ͯ͋͐ͤ̈́̄͊̌͝Oͭͤ̐ͥ͌̚͏̶̺͓̥͍̘͕̺̫̙̖̩́U̴̩̻̳̙̘̗̻̰̔͋̿̄ͪ̊̀͝T̽̍̆̈́ͮͧͨ̿̐̎̈́ͮ̊̽ͫ͌̈̚͏̱̰͈̩͔͈͚̯͍̞̭͝͡H͉̣̳̹͍̲͖̠̰͐͊͆͒ͭͦ̈́ͪ̽̆́́̚͝ͅS̵͙̳̰̹̎ͧͩͫ̌̾̂̐̄ͯͩ̽̚̕͟ͅ ̑̿͌ͫ̎͊ͮ̐ͣ͐ͥ̽̐̓͏̴̡̣̮̤̫̼͜A͇̦̗͓̲̝͓̞͈̘̗͓ͭ͂ͣͮ̑͐͆̄͆̐͌͆̽ͨ̒̒͘N̜͓͈̤̗̩̰̬͕̖̮͓̺̅̊͋̏̂͗͢͜ͅD̴̛͙͉̰̖͉̹ͬ̉ͩ͐͋̃ͥ̇̒̀̚̚͟ ̶̢̡̦̹̺͙̯̻̻̹̥̩̝̪̩̺͇͖̺̐͋̏ͯ̈́̅̒͗͌̂ͥ͐ͦͯ̈́͒̒ͭ͜S͈̟̰͇̻̓̏̿̂̉̋̈́̆̏̏͌ͧ͌̉̉͢͠Į̨͋̿ͧ̓͗̉̽͑ͤ́͌͒̀ͨ̈́̋̕͡͏̼͖͙͈͈̣̻͓̺N̿ͨ̏̽ͪ͑̎̃ͦͩ̇̈ͮ̔͛́̚҉̶̛͓͎̼̠͖̻̳̺̭͇̩͞Ģ̮̪̳͙͚̩͎̤̪̙ͣ̊ͭ̀͜ ̷̛̳̥̣̘͇̼͓̻͕̱̫̱͎̳́̔͌͌̈ͪ͞T̟̠̭̣̰̞̤̬̗͈ͪͤͧ̓̌ͮͯ͛ͥ̋ͮͤ̿̒͘H̡̪̺͉̙͇̬͇͕͉͙̠̤̼̪̻̊͊ͨ͗͊̂̀̚E̘͙̩̪͖̯̜͇̩̫͙͋͐͛̒ͯͦ̾͋̊̌̍͗́͟ ̡̛̲̪͈̳̹̱͓̬͕̺̙͔͓̯̞ͪͭ̐̂̉͒͛ͤ͗́̍́͒͛ͬͯ̆ͯ̾S̔̀ͧͤ̂̑ͬ͛̓̑́̎͏̴̗̖̝̺͚̗̲͟͟͠O̵͉̗͉̞̘͙͍̼̭̞͕̦͉̳̺͆̏͆͋̄̅̾̄͆̓̾͒ͥ͌ͪ̈́͞N͈͙͖̘̼͕̘͙̮̰̼̟̒ͮ͛̏̊ͪ̐ͤͭͫ̌̋̀̀͟͟G̔̍ͦ͆͊̇͌͑̈́̂ͭ҉̰̭͈̣̱̲̪̬̰̟̯̥͚̼̙̬͓͡͞ ̄̿͒ͨͩ̿ͭ̅̃̊ͫͨ̈͆͏̨̬̥̼̠̳͇̞̘̖̲̘̰̟̗T̷̗͎̪̫̗̟͔͙̜͒͒͋̈́͒ͭͤ̇̾ͪ͋̊̅͛̆̈́̄͐̀́̚͠ͅḨ̷̬̠͚͔̲̠͗ͩ̇̓̾̕͟Ă͊ͥͭ͑͏̢̢̬͎̖̻̭͓̗͍̼̘̦̕͜ͅṬ̡̭͚̫͚̳̪͓̬͎̻̖͖̥̹̗̭͚̺ͥ͊͂͒ͯ̕͞ ̓̿ͮͦͩͭ͛͡͏̵҉̶̘̣̤̥̣̣̥̱̰̫̪͚̖̰̥Ê̶̏͌̋̅͆̿̑̒̀҉͇͇͍̘̘̰͚̣͙̬͖̺N̡̛͓̟̞̗̺̠̟̮̮̉͂̈͢͢ͅͅD̬̫͕̠͕͙͔͚͓͖̪̣͙̮͆̉̂̌͐̂́ͫ̉͒̈́̍͑̊͛̂͞͠S̆ͤͣ̀ͭ̓ͧ̎̊ͩͮ̄͛ͩ̀̎ͦͧͧ͢͞͏̴̼͇̩̜͓̥̞̝̖͓̯̙̻̮̙͖̙ ̆̾͆ͥ҉̴̱̤̠͎̯̳̝͔̹̤̪̻͓͔͕̙̖ͅŢ̴̴̲͕̝̜̱̳͆͊̔̓͌ͭ͗̇ͮ̚͟Hͧ̀̿̂͑̋̈́͌̐͏̡̛̹̰̥͕͚̫̦͚̣̀Eͮ͂̈̐̌̉ͨ̽̈́̽͌̓͒͌ͯ́̚̚͏̗̲̱͖̲̜̺͚̜̯͓̼̝̱̬ ̷͍̮̜̱̺̱ͩͤͯ̏́̐ͤ͛̎̽̀̕͘ͅE̸̶̹̺̜̗̟̺͍̼̤͂͐̂ͭ̾͂́ͩ̋̒͐̃̍̃ͣ̌̑̀͟͠A̵̴̐͐̅̒ͩ̅ͤͦͯ̈́̾̆͝͝͏̰̪̥̟̲͓̩̠̮̲̝̤̙̹̜Ŗ̵̛͎̤̬̲͊̓ͥ͛ͤͮͩ̊̒͂͐͋̆͟T̨̰͎̮̞͔͙̗̥̪̝͔͇̥̣̦̱ͮͫͬ̒̀̕͠͝ͅH̵̨̡̳̘̮͎͓̹̻̓ͮͮ̍͋͛̑ͣ̈̈́̆̎̑ͧ̾̍́̚͡



I'm going to give Darksiders a rating here, and you are well within your rights to cry foul because I haven't even beaten the game, and I promise that when I do attempt to beat it, if I can stomach the whole thing and it turns out to be better than I thought, I will gladly eat my words and revise this rating. But as it stands, while it is playable, and it isn't the ugliest thing in the ENTIRE world, the amount of stuff this game shamelessly steals from other titles, coupled with it's nonexistent story and repetitive mission structure bring it way, WAY, down. As of now I place it at roughly a 4.5-5/10, if a 1 is Big Rigs: Over the Road Racing and a 10 is Dead Space 2.

As always thanks for reading, please spread it around if you like it, and feel free to leave any comments you'd like. Take it easy all.

Darksiders Devil May Cry, God of War, Dead Space 2, Gears of War, Army of Two, Starcraft , and Zelda are all property of their respective owners.

All else is ©Alex Jenkins 2011



ͬͥͬͦ͌̚͞ḙ͆̆̉̽̉͗r̢̬͔̬͓̺͇͎̬̘̆ͤ́̆̋̕͝dͥͫ̊̾͋ͪͩ̒̐҉̙͇̩͉i͍̙̬̦͙͉͍ͮ͡ͅǎ̸̡̘̩̟̮̫̋̿̇̈́̀n̸̶̜̻̲̝̰̗͙̍̌̓͐̾ͯ̀ ̩̣̻͍͔̩̥̱̈̊̆̎̔̔͑̕h̵̸̝̳̮̫̙̮͖̬̔̂͗̂͞ZALGO COMESͬͥͬͦ͌̚͞ḙ͆̆̉̽̉͗r̢̬͔̬͓̺͇͎̬̘̆ͤ́̆̋̕͝dͥͫ̊̾͋ͪͩ̒̐҉̙͇̩͉i͍̙̬̦͙͉͍ͮ͡ͅǎ̸̡̘̩̟̮̫̋̿̇̈́̀n̸̶̜̻̲̝̰̗͙̍̌̓͐̾ͯ̀ ̩̣̻͍͔̩̥̱̈̊̆̎̔̔͑̕h̵̸̝̳̮̫̙̮͖̬̔̂͗̂͞