Salvage (the thing no one could possibly do for this movie)

So I'm reviewing a movie. And I'll have you know I'm starting the writing process about half way through. It's a British horror film, about 2 of the least likeable people on the planet. And their attempt to survive the attacks of some kind of creature which (42 minutes in) I have yet to see. As such it's going to turn into a bit of a running commentary after a point, but regardless. Things started off honestly quite strong, there was this bit between a father and his daughter as they ride in a car, the father is divorced, and is driving his daughter to spend a weekend with her mother. The chemistry between the two characters is solid and you'll find yourself caring about what happens to these two. So then, moments later, we discard them. For two pieces of filth clinging to the un-wiped ass of the world. We're with the fathers wife, she clearly cheated on him, and we meet her sleeping with a man she doesn't know, rather than seeing her daughter. Her daughter, after discovering that her mother is still a whore, takes off. So we get, cheating slut of a mother, and the guy she was getting porked by. Turns out the guy is just as huge of a piece of crap, having a wife and two children of his own back home.
           YOU MAY NOW ASK YOURSELF. "self, why should i care about these two? These are the type of people whose death I normally applaud in these films?" of course you might not use those specific words but hey. And you know what your self is gonna say? "shit abstract concept of consciousness, I have no idea! I don't like them either!". Anyways, before I diverge too far, I'd like to note my deepest condolences to the special effects team whose budget for blood effects allowed only for a couple bags of cheetos. I'm not kidding, the blood is bright vibrant orange. It's bizarre. When it's actually escaping from a wound it's red. Then when it's on someones face, it's like a melted down traffic cone. 50 minutes now by the way guys, the last 8 minutes have been nothing but the two cheating fucktards talking about how everything is everyone elses fault. I'd just like to say to the writers. When you want to write characters that people are going to care about? And be sympathetic towards? Maybe try and... I dunno, make them even register as human beings?
          I think at this point, what's going on, is the director using the whole monster attack as a way to provide a backdrop for human drama. This is a great idea in most cases, The Walking Dead, for example, is all about the people, not the zombies, 28 Days Later was the same deal. But the reason it works for those examples, is that the characters have sensible motivations, you can sympathize with them, understand them, you even like them. But it doesn't work here. By the way. I finally saw the creature. I've never been more dumbfounded in my life. I'd also like to point out the amazing racket the fucking thing is making, it's bellowing like some sort of farm animal having it's back door violated, meanwhile it killed at least 3 people earlier without making even the slightest sound. Not a footstep, not a breath, nothing. And beyond this it doesn't appear to have any particular motivation, there's no rhyme or reason to who it's killing or how it's doing it. It's not killing to eat. It's not killing to survive, it's just killing people. I, this.... this movie is really stupid you guys.
          Oh, while we're talking about massive and glaring inconsistencies, a character who was just killed, horribly, and bloody, wet tearing sound effects and all. Just ran up on the street, with nothing more than a small puncture wound in his side. One second he'll find it impossible to even stand on his own feet, then he'll be running. Now he's dead and the girl is flailing her arms around screaming. Fucking christ I don't even know if I can finish this. I don't normally get too bothered by things like monster motivations or plot holes, or liberal use of the whole deus ex machina thing. But this is getting absurd, it has the feel of a story a young child tells, when he's making the whole thing up on the spot. "Oh then! then the monster gets the man! Then the military gets the lady! But! But it turns out the man wasnt dead! he saves the girl!". I am so glad this pile of shit is only 75 minutes long, and we're at the 64 minute mark now. And the military is even inconsistent now! Previously they didn't hurt a soul unless they left their homes, now they just capped a little girl, who was hiding, in her home, for no reason. Get your shit together guys. I feel like you were tripping balls when you put this on paper. Mother is now talking to her daughter through the door of her home, and the camera angle makes it painfully obvious she is going to get dropped, and no one is going to feel bad about it. At all. Well, she didn't die, not yet at least. It was far dumber. She backed slowly into the dark trying to look scary then somehow, in one run, broke through the front door, which was solid wood by the way, she weighs prolly 140? Prolly would have been too smart to toss a lawn chair through the flimsy glass doors around back.
          Oh by the way, the monster, now apparently wields a fire poker, and can be almost overpowered by a couple of pencil thin women. And it... has a flannel shirt... oh man. Alright. So what I just saw. Well there was one redeeming factor, which I'll get to in a minute. Let me just paint this scene for you. And PLEASE in the meantime, keep in mind, dozens of highly trained Black ops operatives were sent in to kill this thing, they have been torn to shreds, effortlessly, and thrown aside, bullets do not harm the beast, unless the highly trained operatives just can't aim for a shit and through hundreds of rounds haven't hit it once. So anyways. Mother gets grabbed by the beast through a door and pinned to it, it holds out the fire poker through the door so they can grab it. Daughter runs away, opens the front door, but almost immediately the creature is on her and has her pinned. Mother walks up behind it, and stabs it through the neck with a blunt fire poker. It's dead. I don't even. So anyways she pulls the poker out, turns her hands towards the sky and starts screaming, for no reason, again. And then the best part of the whole movie, Black ops comes out of the bushes, and blam. Mother. Drops. Dead. Anyways the pain is over. I think I'm going to go drink through the suffering.