Upcoming Stuff (and possible changes(also excuses))

About writing reviews this week.

I apologize for the very infrequent randomly timed posting that I've been doing but the truth of it is that my daily schedule is more than a little bit erratic and the way that I would like to review games includes a large time commitment. I prefer to go through the game meticulously, and take my own screenshots (when possible) and have others review material before it even gets posted. All in all it takes me several hours beyond actually playing the game to get a review completed the way I'd like it. And when my classes sometimes call for a minimum of 6 hours of work on a single project that I am only given one day to do, that doesn't leave me with a whole lot of options. That said, it's looking like school things are going to slow down for a bit and I'm currently working on a couple of different games to be reviewed, mostly focusing on the recent (and stellar) Bulletstorm, which I will actually be reviewing even the multiplayer component of (I would normally not do this as everyone fucking knows what deathmatch, team deathmatch and capture the flag are but Bulletstorm has an interesting twist on the Horde mode survival MP). But as I said I've been rather swamped with work and other bullshit as of late so it may be a bit until I can get the review out there. I may also disappear altogether next week when Dragon Age 2 gets its release but rest assured I'll have plenty of material to cover once I get around to it. In the meantime while I have less time on my hands and can't really manage reviewing games, that are at a minimum 6 hours long, I may throw a few movie reviews out there for you. Either way thanks for reading, I'm always open to criticism, recommendations, or requests for games or other material you'd like talked about, just leave it in the comments and if you like what you see, please recommend me to your friends. Thanks.


Alex

Dead Island announcement.

It's not often that a game trailer comes out that will make me sit in absolute silence from beginning to end, and then repeat the process 10 or so times more. But the new trailer for Dead Island is an absolute stunner. It puts the honestly extremely well done Gears of War trailers to shame. It's true that the trailer itself does not have any footage of the gameplay or really any details about what the game is about (but if it isn't obvious to you, you shouldn't be watching) but the amazing things that this team has done with the scant 3 minutes provided are more than enough to make me look forward to this games release. The most impressive part of this trailer isn't the visuals (though they are certainly beautifully done) it's the fact that they manage to tell an entire story in only 3 minutes, and not only do they tell you this poignant and tragic story, but they make you genuinely care about the characters involved. In 3 fucking minutes. Seriously guys and girls just give this one a watch and you'll see what I mean, kill the lights close the blinds turn up the volume and just watch. 

Facade

So you're old college buddies up and got married. You're actually the one who set them up with each other despite the fact that they had absolutely nothing in common whatsoever. Your friend Trip was an overbearing controlling asshole who no one in the group ACTUALLY liked. And Grace was that one friend everyone has who has absolutely no self esteem. Maybe you thought it'd be funny to see them torture each other, I don't know and frankly it's none of my business. Regardless of your motives the outcome was exactly what everyone expected. Together they danced a horrific ballet of control and submission, Trip slowly broke and washed away every hope and dream that Grace ever had, and you just sat there and watched. You watched as Grace gave up art to work as an interior decorator. You watched her spend her life with a man whom she has nothing but disdain for, you watched as he shaped her life to his perverted will. Until one day, your phone rang and your ear was greeted by the abrasive and demanding gripes of Trip. Trip wants you to come over for dinner "just like the old days" to catch up on all that lost time. Seeing an opportunity to make their lives even worse than the hell you have already sent them to, you leap for your keys and speed off to the lair of Trip and Grace.

Upon your arrival the familiar sound of their hateful bickering rings in your ears and brings a smile to your face, nothing has changed. You decide to play it cool for now, you decide to be friendly and quaint. Trip answers the door, the familiar flames of rage and the desire to control burn brightly in his eyes as he extends his hand in greeting, but is that a flicker of despair you see behind the flaring hatred? You take his hand and smile. He has no idea what fresh hell awaits him over the next 30 minutes. And it is here that the Facade begins.

They just look SO happy together.

Your goal in this "game" is to save your friends marriage. Why do you want to save a marriage this ill conceived you ask? Well you don't, and you wouldn't, but apparently the creators of Facade don't believe in divorce, even when it is for all of the right reasons. The objective of Facade is not to remind Trip and Grace of how much they love each other, because they DON'T FUCKING LOVE EACH OTHER. The objective is to convince them to grasp at the microscopic threads that could conceivably be construed as something that they share together. The way you go about this is by simply walking around their relatively small apartment, occasionally clicking on things, and typing whatever you want to say to them.

GEE do you think?! NAHHH couldn't be!

This would be an interesting mechanic were it to be well executed. But when saying something like "Grace take a deep breath and Trip try to see things from Grace's side" warrants a response like "Oh I see how it is! Taking Trip's side now huh?!" I tend to think maybe some more work could have been done. Not to mention the fact that given no guidelines in what you can and can't say it's going to be a rare gamer who takes this seriously. I tried to accomplish the games given goal for maybe 5 minutes before I realized that if you clicked Trip or Grace on the face you would kiss them, or if you clicked their shoulder or torso you could "comfort" and hug them. After this revelation everything just devolved into some twisted game of seduction and borderline sexual battery.

I made out with Grace furiously while Trip watched and sipped his glass of wine. When he moved to protest I said fuck it, I'm gonna make out with both of you. And so I did. Shortly after this outburst, my raw sexuality apparently became too much for them and they dragged me sweating and pants-less out onto the street. And this is where my attempt to save my best friends marriage came to a close. Did I accomplish my goal? Did I dupe them into a lifetime of psychological torture the likes of which no amount of therapy could subdue? I don't know, and I don't think I'll ever find out.

Facade belongs to Procedural Arts
All else is ©Alex Jenkins 2011

Dead Space 2

Warning. Neither this review, or this game should be read or even looked at by kids, seriously if you aren't at least 17 get out of here.

When Dead Space was initially released cross platform a few years back I immediately fell in love with it. It has a brilliant premise and it delivered on that premise in spades. It was intense, atmospheric, violent, intelligent, and above all else terrifying. You were placed in the shoes of one Isaac Clarke, a CEC engineer on a mission to repair a broken comm array aboard the USG Ishimura. The Ishimura is what is known as a planet cracker, which is exactly what it sounds like, a ship that flies around and literally breaks continent sized chunks off of planets in order to harvest their mineral resources. The cramped and claustrophobic corridors of this massive capitol ship are where the first game took place. Everything about this ship was terrifying, from the obvious bloody writing on the walls right down to the subtleties of the lighting and ambient music. But what roped me in was not the ship or the honestly horrifying Necromorphs, it was Isaac's struggle with his own sanity. Now I'm going to assume that since you're reading this you are at least somewhat familiar with the specifics of the Dead Space Universe so I'm not going to explain things further. If however you would like things explained please feel free to leave a comment and I will drop a summary with my next update.

The user interface is largely in tact

Dead Space 2 pulls absolutely no punches. It does not care who it offends, it does not care that you ruined your best pair of pants, it does not care about your dignity. What Dead Space 2 does care about, is creating by far the best action horror game that I, and most likely most of you, have ever played. When you were a little kid, did your mother ever throw you mercilessly into a pool filled with angry starving piranhas? If she did then you already know how you are going to feel at the start of this game, if she didn't, buckle the fuck up.  It will become immediately apparent to you that Dead Space 2 is NOT meant for newcomers, if you haven't played the original, that's just too bad because you aren't getting a tutorial. Dead Space 2 just throws you into the maelstrom and calmly says "swim". This is the case not only with the games controls (which are flawless) but also with the games content. The first thing Isaac sees upon regaining consciousness, is his rescuer being skewered through the chest and then mutated right before his eyes, but just like Visceral expects you to be, Isaac is ready for this and he head butts the Necromorph right in the fucking throat. The baddie drops like a sack of disgusting undead potatoes and Isaac is on his feet and you're in control. 

This does a good job of accenting one of the most significant changes between games. Isaac is not some scared, defenseless engineer anymore. Isaac has seen the very worst that the deepest bowels of hell have to offer, and he survived. He now is now calm, collected, and more than a little bit pissed, he knows how to kill these things, he WANTS to kill these things, and he will do whatever the fuck he has to, to make that happen. But at the same time Isaac is so obviously emotionally dead that it's hard not to feel bad for him, he could probably watch an orphanage burn down without blinking, and then go home and fix himself up a nice dinner before hopping into bed. But despite the new Isaac and his steely demeanor, you are still going to be consistently scared shitless. I mean Christ, the very first scene of the game features you running for your life, unarmed, and unarmored, through the cluttered hallways of an insane asylum while necromorphs flood from every vent and doorway, and every one of them wants you dead. It's also quite possibly more terrifying to play a strong character with one fatal weakness, than it is to play a consistently weak and scared character. Seeing a spartan like Isaac break down in all the chaos really has a way of hitting home, and making you ask yourself whether you really want to be playing this alone in the dark.

And it DOES get dark

The first scene isn't the only time that Isaac is stripped of his ability to defend himself. A short distance into the game you will find yourself crawling through maintenance shafts, which are basically the same vents that those pesky ol' necro's just love to pop out from to eat your face. While in the shaft you cannot shoot or defend yourself in any way. I found myself jumping at the slightest noise or movement while I was in these dark cramped tunnels, it helps a bit though to just pretend you're playing Splinter Cell.

I'm Sam Fisher I'm Sam Fisher I'm Sam Fisher I'm...

(SPOILERS)The story here is told on a much grander scale than that of the original. Where Isaac's insanity was once a side-note, it has now taken center stage, and its true nature is revealed bit by bit throughout the series of twists and turns that form the narrative of Dead Space 2. It is revealed early on that 3 years have passed since Isaac killed the hive mind and destroyed the original Marker. But Isaac remembers none of these 3 years because he is being kept at an EarthGov research facility oh Titan Station, a colony settled on one of the moons of Saturn, where they are regularly probing his brain for information on the Marker. And things only get worse from there as Isaac learns more and more about the part he unknowingly played in this new outbreak. And all the while his insanity is growing more and more severe. A hallucination of his dead girlfriend Nicole is now his constant companion, popping up for such fun things as trying to make you kill yourself, or convincing you to give up on destroying the new Marker. Isaac is thankfully capable of discerning reality from his hallucinations, though the same cannot be said for another character you meet along the way.

Nicole, what are you doing here? You are drunk. Go home.

This is another change for the series, not only do you have occasionally useful companions, they are actually, for the most part, quite likable and well developed. The two of these characters that really stand out are thankfully the two main helpers that you will meet, namely, Nolan Stross and Ellie Langford. Unlike the first game these two don't constantly bark orders at Isaac, it is made very clear from moment one that Isaac is the driving force behind their survival, if he were to leave them they would have no hope. But they do provide a support structure for Isaacs struggle and occasionally give you direction, or even save your life in a few instances.

And that brings me to the voice acting and writing. The writing is all top notch and the acting for the most part lives up to the writing with the exception of Ellie. Ellie has a few weak moments, once or twice her screams of terror in response to an almost certain death, sounded a bit more like she had just stubbed her toe after a really frustrating day in the office. Don't get me wrong, she isn't bad all the time, in fact she's really quite good whenever she isn't trying to scream, but those few moments are noticeable especially when displayed next to the other talents involved. When you compare Ellie to the psychotic ramblings of Nolan Stross she looks like a complete amateur. I absolutely believed Stross's character and sympathized with him because his broken mind was just a little bit too believable, so believable in fact that I was actually nervous leaving him alone with Ellie. I was always afraid that he would snap when I wasn't around to do anything about it. There are also two less benevolent characters involved here. One being Isaac's imaginary dead girlfriend who has limited lines but does deliver them well. Even when her words are kind, there is always something sinister beneath the surface. And then there's Hans Tiedemann, Tiedemann is the head of Marker research on this moon. And he is a DOUCHEBAG. Tiedemann sabotages your efforts at every turn, his voice acting isn't particularly noteworthy, but the writing of his character is enough that he would still be infuriating even if he didn't have a voice. And then there's Isaac. Isaac absolutely steals the show, his voice perfectly conveys every emotion, from anger at discovering a biting betrayal, to terrified (spoilers) at the prospect of marching headlong back into his own perfect Hell. But his shining moments truly come when he is in the midst of one of his several psychotic breaks, screaming angrily at his hallucinations, and once more in the most unexpected of places. When you repeatedly use the stomp move Isaac will start cursing and shouting all manner of random obscenities, clever little touches like these serve to immerse you so much more in the game that you'll occasionally forget that you're just sitting comfortably at your computer or TV.

Puker no puking! Puker no puking!

Graphics are another important factor in immersion, and to say that Dead Space 2 is beautiful would be almost as much of an understatement as calling Hitler a butthead. All things considered, Dead Space 2 is the most gorgeous game I have ever played. It is technically proficient and artistically masterful. Even some of the smaller touches can go a long way towards sucking you in, like the fact that every aspect of Dead Space 2's HUD is incorporated into Isaac's suit in the form of holographic projections. When you access a store or an upgrade bench or when you bring up his inventory, the game does not break away into an awkward and out of context menu, it instead shows Isaac a visual representation of what tools he has at his disposal, this is both awesome, and more believable than a sub-menu inventory.

Needs more bullets.

But the big stuff is just as important. Every single enemy has been carefully crafted to be as repulsive and intimidating as they can possibly be. And the ladies and gentlemen over at EA Visceral know when less is more. There are few things as disturbing as mowing down a pack of children with a pulse rifle, but you will find yourself doing just that, frequently, in your desperate bid at survival. The Pack, as they are called, are children who have been mutated into necromorphs, but unlike the clawed monstrosities present throughout the rest of the game, the children look almost human. Killing them would be disturbing enough with their appearance, but it is made even worse by the all to human screams that they make when you shoot off their arms and legs. Though it's hard to say what's more frightening, these all too human enemies, or the horrific exaggerated mutations present in more powerful opponents like the tripod and the tank.

Shit.

But a huge part of the scare factor here, is the sound track. And I don't mean just the noises that the necromorphs themselves make. I mean every distant clank and groan, the sound of survivors screaming for their lives, and the hair raising ambient soundtrack. Everything has been masterfully woven together in such a way that you will always be on edge. Was that thud just something falling off of a shelf? Or was it a puker dropping out of a vent? The sound effects are so well portrayed that I was occasionally looking over my shoulder to see what had fallen, only to realize that it had been in the game.

Like an incredibly violent and terrifying theme park ride.

The action has also been ramped up dramatically, giving you an occasional and much needed break from trying not to soil yourself. One scene in particular has Isaac dropping himself 100 feet down a garbage hatch to escape from a gunship full of people that want him dead for undisclosed reasons, only to look up into the face of a hell of a big necromorph. After narrowly escaping the beasts clutches Isaac runs up to another balcony where the gunship is waiting to shoot out the glass, sucking both Isaac and his new friend out into space. Both of them go careening into the side of the ship, which knocks its fuel tanks loose. Isaac, thinking quickly, pushes himself away from the ship and shoots the fuel tanks, destroying the gunship and vaporizing the necromorph, while launching Isaac through a window and back inside. Another scene (pictured above) has Isaac sliding down a crashing train, shooting necromorphs as he falls, only to be caught by his leg at the bottom. While hanging upside down just a few feet off the ground you must fend off waves of enemies trying to take advantage of your compromised position. After killing at least 10 of them and quickly taking the arm off of a tank Isaac falls and sprints away just in time to avoid the train crashing down and exploding on top of him. 

I know how you feel Isaac, elementary school was scary for me too.

These moments of sheer intensity and all out action do make you feel like a badass from time to time. But the feeling is quickly stripped away as soon as you stand up from the rubble and take a good hard look at your surroundings. These range from a peppy happy elementary school/day care gone horribly, horribly wrong, to a recently abandoned and oppressively bleak mine. But only one of these places can even come close to rivaling how I felt when I found the new marker. (Warning, there are spoilers pretty much from here on out, you have been warned)That place was the Ishimura. A little after the half way point of the game, Isaac returns to the Ishimura, and it speaks volumes of the effectiveness of the first game, that I genuinely did not want to go in. It was hard to cross that threshold knowing just what happened last time. But as this is one of the best parts of the game I'm not saying anything else about it. I don't want to spoil anything THAT much.

We're gonna need a bigger boat.

 Remember the old Marker? I remember the old Marker. And I want the old Marker back. The old Marker was a much more manageable 12 feet high. The old Marker could be destroyed through conventional means (read: dropping a continent on it). What the FUCK are you supposed to do about this big bastard? It just sits there taunting you. Because it knows. You. Can't. Do. Shit. And actually this is where the story all comes together. Isaac wasn't even insane, the Marker was just in his head, it manifested itself in Isaac's visions of Nicole. It got in his head and it exploited his greatest weakness, that he blames himself for Nicole's death. So it appeared to him as Nicolle to lure him to the Marker that he had unknowingly created using the signal that it had implanted in his brain. The one that the EarthGov doctors had worked so hard to extract. This whole time the Marker had convinced Isaac that he was being lead to it to destroy it, when in reality, it wanted to destroy him directly, through his own mind. And this is where the final confrontation takes place, but I won't spoil it for you. Oh by the way, remember that guy Tiedemann I mentioned earlier? Don't worry, he gets his.

Payback is two 4 foot long spears in the throat. And a bitch.

 The Breakdown.

Graphics: Flawless, everything is disgusting and beautiful, gorgeous and horrifying. And the best part is that (at least on the computer) it runs without the slightest hitch with the graphics maxed out as long as you have at least a reasonable machine to run it on. But you don't need the best of the best to experience this game the way it was meant to be experienced.

Gameplay: Nothing to complain about here, the control scheme is identical to the first game, and it worked just as perfectly then as it does now. It's worth mentioning that a large number of PC users claim to have problems with mouse lag when V-sync is enabled. This is stupid. Stop saying it. It's bullshit. I'm running the game on a computer that was amazing a year and a half ago, it's still good but it is far from top of the line. I have everything turned up all the way and V-sync enabled. I do not have the slightest bit of mouse lag, if you are having this problem your complaints should be directed towards your computer. Not the game. That said there are also some really great new features, the most noteworthy of which is zero-G flight. Rather than just jumping from point to point you can now fly freely.

Wacky waving inflatable arm flailing tube necromorph! In SPACE!

Story/Plot: Engaging interesting and original throughout. This is another area where I feel like I should call out some dissenters. Especially with the release of the first game many comparisons were made to other works that just don't even begin to make sense. One in particular that I want to mention is Event Horizon. Here's the deal guys, Event Horizon is about a ship that is abandoned in space, with NO ONE, on it. They discover an object on the ship that acts as some sort of portal to hell and they all kill each other. There are no mutated alien zombies, there is no alien artifact causing said mutations, the only similarity is in the setting. Just because Dead Space takes place on a derelict space ship does not mean it ripped off a really shitty Sci Fi Horror movie that happened to take place in a similar location. (that said there was almost certainly some inspiration from The Thing and Aliens). But I'm getting off topic there. Dead Space 2 features an original, interesting story, that honestly managed to surprise me on a few occasions without resorting to Shyamalanesque twists. And it clocks in at a respectable 8 hours on normal difficulty (most people are saying it's actually 10-12 but I honestly can't figure how they took that long)

Sound/voice: The musical score, the ambient sounds, the semi-human groans of necromorphs stalking the Sprawl, everything is perfectly crafted to be as nerve-wracking as it can be. And the worst of the voice actors are competent, the best of them are amazingly talented, making their characters practically jump out of the game.

All in all Dead Space 2 is the single best survival horror shooter I have ever played and is essentially my perfect game. It's a rare thing that a sequel lives up to the expectations and standards set by its predecessor but Dead Space 2 is so good, making such dramatic improvements to both scares and action, that it almost makes Dead Space 1 look bad. I really do not scare easily, most of my nightmares crack me up but Dead Space 2 managed to get under my skin quite effectively. I give Dead Space 2 a 10/10 and await Dead Space 3 with bated breath. Please stick around Visceral Games. Because I think I may love you.

As always I hope to hear your thoughts and comments. Thanks for reading despite the recent delays. See you again soon.

Dead Space and Dead Space 2 including the title image and the final screenshot belong to EA Visceral.

All else including other screenshots are ©Alex Jenkins 2011

Delays

So I had planned on writing a Dead Space 2 review using my own screenshots and such but I've hit a bit of a snag. And when I say snag I mean my computer just killed itself in one fell swoop. The only solution to this was to blow a not small amount of money on getting a new operating system. It was either that or wait a week plus to get my original disc back (if it could even be found). As a result of this I have chosen to wait on the review until I have gotten further back into the game (I lost all of my save progress) so that I can show you more than just the beginning. I'll be updating soon, take it easy.

Let's talk about INCOMPETENCE!

Specifically when it comes to whoever manages EA's dealings with Steam and the boys over at Steam tech support. I've had problems with Steam ever since I first started downloading from it years ago, but to be fair they have since made quite a few improvements and up until recently it was no longer a crap shoot when you bought a game from them. One problem has persisted quite effectively however, not unlike herpes, and this problem is that the download rates on Steam, are slower than a crippled sloth on ice, no matter how fast your internet connection may be, Steam downloads are NEVER fast. But that isn't the core of the problem today, the core of the problem today is that Steam and EA released thousands of CD Keys that don't work. The game that these CD Keys were meant to unlock was in fact the long awaited Dead Space 2. Now you, like me, might say "well that doesn't seem like a big deal, just have Steam submit the non functioning but legally obtained keys to EA and have EA activate them". But sadly it has become apparent that Steam is run by a group of people whose cumulative cognitive abilities do not even come close to rivaling that of a retarded chimp. Anyways no review today, just a rant. Hopefully Steam does some firing and hires some people who have their shit together so we can all gain access to the game that we paid for.

Castlevania Lords of Shadow

Ok so the holidays are over and I'm now back, and hopefully able to procrastinate slightly less. Anyways that's all I have to say about that since I owe you absolutely nothing.

Castlevania LOS is awesome. But before I get into the actual review I want to be totally clear. I know next to nothing about Castlevania, I have hardly even played any of the previous games in the series(except about an hour spent on one that was on the gameboy color back in the good old days). As a result of this I can't comment on how well this keeps in line with the aforementioned games, but what I can say is that this game was intended to be a reboot of the original series. So for all I know it may have taken the lore of the original games out behind the shed and unloaded both barrels on it. But to me it was great. The gameplay may have been nothing more than a mixture of other successful games (most notably God of War and Shadow of the Colossus). But instead of being a stitched monstrosity akin to Joan Rivers face it is a collage of all of the best parts of these games, plus an added touch of it's own unique style. But this, unfortunately, does not mean that it is without flaws. 

These flaws are found almost entirely within the design of the levels. Typically in a completely linear game such as this the path forward is always obvious. This is however not the case with Castlevania. I do not mean to say that I could never figure out where to go or what to do, and honestly most of the time it WAS obvious. But the few levels which caused problems were so unbelievably frustrating that they threw off my enjoyment of the entire would-be masterpiece. One particular example of this is in a later level of the game, when you find yourself in the titan graveyard. The level at first seems straight forward, you hop from dead titan to dead titan avoiding the water below (which will poison and kill you in seconds) fighting occasionally and working your way towards the end. The only problem is that when you get to the end, the game informs you that you need two rune shards to progress further.

At first I said to myself "well that's no big deal, I'll just take that side-path I crossed back there a ways, I'm sure I'll find them there." so that's what I did. I hopped my way back and found absolutely fucking nothing. The path in question branched off to the left and right, to the right was a dead knight, and to the left was a dead-end. Not only was I on the brink of death from accidentally landing in the water several times, I had absolutely nothing to show for it. I was forced to ask myself "why, in frozen hell, did the developers put this god forsaken island here?". Not until I started running in circles out of pure boredom and frustration did i discover the way forward. The left path wasn't a dead end as the fixed camera perspective would have had me believe, it actually turns sharply to the right. There is ABSOLUTELY NOTHING to suggest that the path goes in this direction, and you would never know it was there if not for pure blind luck or a dogged determination to run through anything that you perceive to be a wall.

Complaint 2. The god damned music box level. The music box level is a pure puzzle level, in which you find different colored cylinders, which when entered into a console will play different tunes (depending on the color inserted). These tunes will make the traps around the music box passable (if only just). After some study you will realize that the color of the cylinders matches the color of the carpets in the different hallways and that the matching cylinder will disable that hallways traps.

It's really not the puzzle here that is frustrating, it's the stunningly irritating voice of the witch Baba, who is responsible for putting you in the fucking box in the first place. She NEVER shuts the hell up, were I Gabriel Belmont the first thing i would have done upon exiting the box would have been to sow her stupid imbecilic mouth to an enraged porcupine, and tie her up in a closet for the rest of her very, VERY, unnatural life(being sure of course to leave ample food and water for the porcupine who doesn't truly deserve this fate). Im serious here guys, I've heard bad voice actors, I've encountered many an irritating character, but never anything like this, and because I got stuck on a couple of the obstacles here, namely the fire and lightning traps, the piercing shrill of her voice was very nearly enough to make me just throw the game down with those E.T. cartridges.

                                                                        Baba
                                                                 

Unfortunately that isn't the only time a problem like this rears it's head. The other instance would be earlier in the game when a young girl appears and offers to help Gabriel on his quest. Helping Gabriel essentially boils down to never doing anything but constantly yelling directly to your brain (she is a telepath) to do things that you are already in the process of doing. It's like that younger sibling you've always hated who sits there watching you play, and when you finally realize what to do and do it, they shout it out as if they had just discovered it and had saved you by divulging the secret at the last second. She is quite insistent about this as well, it's only mildly irritating at first as she reminds you every 10 seconds how many more crystal shards you need (thanks sweetheart but I do believe that I can get to 4 without losing count, I can count to potato you know). But when this becomes infuriating is when she "accompanies" you during your fight with a titan. Her voice is at least nowhere near as grating as the witch Baba's but her constant insistence that you should do what you are already doing gets to be downright maddening (not to mention distracting).

But that's enough of that, on to the rest of the game.

The Breakdown

Graphics:
This is an all around stunner, from the massive beautiful and varied landscapes down to each swing of Gabriel's combat cross everything is flawlessly designed. This game is both technically and artistically an absolute powerhouse, so much so that just stopping to appreciate the landscape, or the massive skeletal dragon you are holding onto for dear life, can be just as enjoyable as fighting hordes of undead monsters.

Gameplay:
As previously stated, this is an absolute and unashamed rip off of several other games as far as gameplay goes. But what it takes from other sources, it implements wonderfully. And at no point did I feel like I was just playing God of War or Shadow of the Colossus with a makeover, it did manage to carve out its own identity. However there were a few moments, during which the controls didn't seem to have the right level of finesse for the tasks I was asked to perform but given a few attempts I was able to slog my way through these rougher patches. Combat was almost always a joy to partake in and enough different combos and powers are tossed your way throughout the course of the game that it stays fresh and exciting. But there are a few opponents which feel like a chore to fight, chief amongst these are the skeletons, but these enemies are few and far between and do not even come close to dragging the game down. Especially not when most stages are topped off with some of the best boss fights I have ever had the joy of playing. Even in the few infuriatingly difficult levels that had me hung up I just reminded myself that once I got through the bullshit obstacle course, or figured out where those fucking rune shards were, there was almost certainly a phenomenal boss fight waiting for me. From vampires to titans, there is not a single bad or frustrating boss fight in this game.

Plot/Story:
Actually this turned out a whole lot better than I was expecting. I kind of went in with the belief that the story would be just as shallow as that of the games it so readily stole everything else from. I mean lets be honest here, Shadow of the Colossus didn't even have a story, there wasn't a single spoken word in the entire damn thing besides the hero occasionally yelling AGAROO or something like that to call his horse. And God of War, great game though it may be, had an extremely generic and played out revenge tail. Kratos makes a deal with a god for power, said god betrays Kratos, Kratos sets off to kill said god. But the story of Gabriel Belmont is filled with enough twists and turns to make M. Night Shyamalafsafwehuifsef hang on the edge of his seat. I was honestly surprised at where things ended up in the end, and on top of that the whole thing is narrated by none other than Patrick Stewart, I mean shit, how could you go wrong there? I won't give anything away but rest assured that all is not as it seems.

Overall:
Castlevania: Lords of Shadow is a fantastic game, it manages to throw nearly constant action at you while still maintaining an undeniable intelligence and complexity rarely achieved in the action genre of games. This is an absolute must buy for any fans of the genre, I give it a 9 out of 10. God damn Baba and Claudia shrieked and pestered it right out of the perfect 10 it could have been. But really, if even a bastard like me has nothing more significant than a couple of irritating voices to complain about, you're doing a damn good job, hell I hear irritating voices everywhere I go anyways.

P.S. everyone, I apologize for the lack of pictures here but I had a real bitch of a time finding images that were licensed for re-use, better luck next time.

©Alex Jenkins Level 2 Reviews