Resident Evil 6 Part 1 of 5, Ada fucking Wong

DISCLAIMER:
(I cannot stress enough that Resident Evil 6 IS A GOOD GAME. This review specifically targets the one part of the game that was not enjoyable. There are more reviews forthcoming which discuss the good parts. Please don't let this review be what makes you decide not to buy this game until you've seen what else I have to say about the rest of the game.)


I'm going to preface this whole thing by saying that I am not a Resident Evil fan. This is not to say that I have disliked previous Resident Evil titles, I simply haven't been interested in them. I only played 5 recently, and while it was a fairly enjoyable experience, it's nothing I'm dying to get back into. I have not played any releases earlier than 5, though I have seen them played substantially so I do know what they're about, what they are like, and what kind of atmosphere we're talking about. So Resident Evil 6 was sort of a weird "this looks kind of interesting, whatever" purchase for me. Driven largely by the wealth of content I understood was present in the release, I picked it up. (I hope everyone's pumped for free use licensed images because this was played on my xbox!)

This is obviously Leon.

I had originally been a bit leery just because I had seen some of the critical reception, but then I remembered how scathing fans had been about the 5th game, which I kind of liked. And this brings me to my first discussion point. Resident Evil fan boys, are worse than CoD and Halo 3 fan boys combined. They've all been completely sucked in by nostalgia and have lost all concept of what the early games in the series actually were. These games came out when the majority of us still playing them today, were kids. The Wizard of fucking Oz was terrifying when I was a kid. So I can see where you might have been scared by them as children, but I challenge you to go back, play them again today, and actually be even remotely creeped out by them. It won't happen. The voice acting alone was some of the funniest stuff you'd ever get out of a game, even games trying to be funny. The graphics of course were terrible, product of the time I know, but it's pretty tough to be scared by the simple presentation of these old games. The reason we were scared of them and others like them was our own imaginations. We were kids, our brains could fill in the gaps like lightning, especially when those gaps represented something like a zombie that our child minds should be afraid of. And that is why these fan boys are so frustrating. The new games are just that, new. They aren't substantially different in content or narrative, these guys just CAN'T see through the fog of nostalgia to the truth. The only complaint that I find acceptable, is the lack of real zombies. That I'll grant you, Resident Evil should have zombies in it, not... plagas... And before anyone gets all "well you didn't play them so you don't know!". No I didnt. However, I played the F.E.A.R. games. And you know what, when I played the original F.E.A.R. I won't lie to you, I got pretty damn creeped out. Then 2 and 3 just weren't scary. At first I thought it was a change in the games, it wasn't, it was a change in my perception. Buy anyways.

This represents my.... change in... thought processes... from growing up?

So I didn't go into this determined to hate it like the so called fans of the series, I went in just hoping for a good time. And to be honest, for the most part that's what I got. The ability to move while shooting is HUGE, dodge maneuvers are cool, shooting mechanics for the most part worked fine, and there is a good variety of weapons, even if they aren't always superbly fun to shoot. The voice acting is generally terrific, far cry from the first games which I swear had to be trying really hard to make it sound that bad, I mean shit. It's like house of the dead except worse, "I think you! The master of unlocking! Should take it with you!" stellar stuff you guys swear by isn't it?

None of you seem to understand. I'm not locked in here with you. I'm an apple.

The biggest, best thing I can say about this game is that it is LONG. There is so much content here it's almost ridiculous. There are 4 separate campaigns. One each for Leon, Chris, Jake, and Ada. I enjoyed all of them but Ada's. Ada Wong is just terrible and I'm going to explain why. In this, part 1 of my review of Resident Evil 6.

Hey! Hey look! This one's actually from a Resident Evil game! Don't get used to it. It won't be happening again.

Now, this is a little bit out of sequence admittedly. You actually can't even play Ada's campaign until you beat all three of the others. But you don't need to know what the other 3 are about to understand why Ada's is so fucking bad. Especially considering that all 4 campaigns occur simultaneously. Honestly I think the biggest problem I have with Ada's campaign, is that it's so painfully sexist that it often becomes flat out offensive. And I'm hardly a feminist, feminism bothers the hell out of me (in so far as women that identify as feminists rarely want equality, they want superiority, so no hate mail, I'm all for equal rights but sexism goes both ways (what? I'm not just covering my bases shut up)) but this get's so far out of hand. I'm talking bukkake monsters bad. I'm talking full blown Japanese fan service that's stops about a quarter inch from being full blown interactive hentai. And there aren't even any tentacles you guys. But you're going to have to wait for that glorious description, first you need to get a basic feel for the gratuity here.

Huh, oddly relevant. The site tells me when you save images.

There are moments in all of the campaigns where you have to crawl through tight spaces, during these moments the camera cuts back and you view your character from the feet forward, or at least that's what happened during Chris, Leon and Jake's campaigns. In Ada's the camera cuts straight to her ass which, she literally arches her back in order to push further up in the air.That might sound relatively tame. But this next part, I am honestly not making up. If you don't believe me, rent the game, or find a friend who owns it. These things show up in the first 10 minutes of Ada's campaign and stick around for probably half of it. No. Fucking. Shit.
It's a type of j'avo, which, by the way, exists only in Ada's campaign, and has a mutation which causes it's head to lower, right next to its crotch to it's crotch on a very long neck (You might be able to see where this is headed but just wait it gets better). When Ada get's too close it spews a gooey white substance all over her in stringy shots (not spider web unfortunately, not spider web). If enough of it hits she becomes stuck in place and must pull herself out of a literal cocoon of jizz. I've got a pretty dirty mind, but it doesn't reach that far, I am not just imagining this. The first time it happened I just stared in disbelief. This is the first and only time, that a cock zombie, has bukkaked any character in any game that I have played, to such an extent that the character literally must pull themselves out of their cum cocoon, or cumcoon, yes I'll call it a cumcoon. Come on guys. I know it's Japan, and all kinds of crazy shit comes out of Japan, but is this really the place for it? Whatever, I'm done talking about it.

It's from Japan what do you want from me. Free use images are Free to use for a reason.

And that isn't even the worst part of this particular campaign. It's the repetition. The way the game works, is while you play through one campaign, you'll meet the characters from the others. Each campaign does a great job of showing you how those characters got there and shows events from a cool new perspective. But Ada doesn't ever move independently of the other stories. Outside of the moments when she intersects with the other campaigns, she might as well not exist. This means that when you play her campaign, you're not experiencing a unique story, you're literally watching a highlight real of the other three. I almost feel like Ada's would have been better, were it the FIRST campaign you had to play through. Seeing all these snippets of all the difference characters could get you interested in how the hell they reached that point, though a few things would have needed to be cut to prevent spoilers, I think it would have been a better path.

The final nail in this Y shaped coffin, is Ada herself. Ada is obnoxiously self assured. And it is absolutely in the spotlight due to the fact that her campaign is the only one that doesn't have a coop partner, AI or otherwise. She has no one to talk to. But that doesn't stop her. Every time she kills an enemy she pats herself on the back, reminds herself how fantastic she is and how no one else could have done that. (despite the fact that the other 3 characters all do the same things with markedly more efficiency and intelligence.) and it really just wears you down. By the end, I honestly kind of wanted Ada to die. And I don't mean clone Ada, (yeah there's a clone, yeah it's a little goofy) I mean the real one. She was just that annoying. She comes across as this bizarre mix of stereotypical Japanese hyper-sexism, and a girl power ploy for female players. Neither of those things work on their own, much less when thrown together in the same pot. It's entirely possible to create a strong female character, like Zoey in Firefly, or Anya and Sam from Gears of War, all kick ass tough as nails characters in their own right, but they achieve this not by going "God I am tough!" they achieve this by fighting in the worst conditions, never giving up, adapting to things they were never trained to do. Anya especially, goes from being a non-combatant adviser, to full blown soldier and it seems perfectly natural, the fact that she and Sam are women at all is hardly even mentioned, much less used against them. They're just tough, and they belong on this battlefield as the warriors they are. But Ada almost never makes herself seem impressive or tough, and when she does she completely trivializes the entire thing with a stupid comment about how her vagina made it possible.

I'm not going to really get into gameplay or visuals here, I'll leave that for a roundup at the end of these reviews. Next time (hopefully next week) I'll review Jake's campaign.

This review is ©Alex Jenkins 2012
Resident Evil 6 is the property of Capcom

New Stuff Coming! I have a void in my life that needs fillin!

SO a little while ago I sat here and I said to myself. This blog is dumb, no one reads it, and you're dumb for continuing to write in something that no one reads! So, as I'm quite sensitive to such criticism I stopped writing. However I'm currently pretty bored outside of work. And I'm going for something that could be even vaguely mentally stimulating as my job is the opposite. So I'm gonna start writing again! Games that I'm currently playing that, if I don't suddenly change everything in my life again and stop writing, I will write reviews of are as follows. Serious Sam 3:BFE (spoilers its awesome), Resident Evil 6 (it's even gonna be a 4 parter! If I finish it...) Xcom: Enemy Unknown, Max Payne 3, Sleeping Dogs and much much more! Not really though, that's pretty close to it. Oh Assassins Creed 3 is in there too. Regardless I'm gonna write reviews! Some of them might even be vaguely comical, chuckle worthy possibly! Oh also Torchlight 2 and Borderlands 2! Fuck you I don't play too much or spend too much on games you're an idiot!

Game of Thrones (The RPG) Thoughts.

I've been playing the Game of Thrones RPG for the last few days. I was hesitant to get it because of the horrible reviews it had received. More and more often I find myself realizing that critics are not to be trusted, and this may be the most glaring example in recent memory. Game of Thrones is without a doubt one of the best RPG's I have ever played. It is right there with Dragon Age: Origins and The Witcher 2. I have not quite finished it, I'm coming up on the grand finale now and I'm in a spot where I might not have a chance to finish it for a little while, so I wanted to give my thoughts on it so far.

Now that I've had a chance to play the game that was so maligned, I've gone back and re-read some of the more scathing critiques of it. And honestly in a lot of cases it's pretty clear that they didn't even play the damn game. For example in this Forbes article, the author states plainly that the games combat is turn based. Having spent somewhere near 10 hours now, I can say with some level of confidence, that the combat isn't even vaguely turn based. It functions similar to Dragon Age, or even MMO combat, in which you target an enemy, and your character just swings away with normal attacks while you queue up more powerful special attacks and abilities. There are no turn based elements in this game. I even double checked, thinking, maybe due to the restricted controller of the consoles as opposed to a keyboard and mouse, that the combat would have to work differently on console (as I have been playing on PC). But nope. It works exactly the same on consoles. Get your shit together, or stop writing articles when you're blind drunk.

Anyways, beyond my gripes about utterly incompetent "authors" who do their job with markedly less skill than an untrained chimp would in the same field, I'll get back to the game and why I absolutely love it.

A lot of it I think goes back to my love for Dragon Age: Origins. The combat mechanics are similar, and just as with DA:O, Game of Thrones places story on a pedestal. Don't get me wrong, there are no actually bad aspects of the game, combat may not be anything particularly special, but it's far from a hindrance. Combat actually has been pretty well crafted, if not so much in animation and such, in the tactics required. You really do need to think to survive more difficult fights. You can exploit the system in some ways. Like when playing the role of Alester (one of the two protagonists). He has an ability which knocks his enemies down, stack this with a passive ability that gives automatic critical hits against fallen enemies, and the fact that you can almost always regenerate enough energy to do it again by the time they stand up, and you get a sort of broken combo. This only works in very small conflicts though, if it's just you and 1 or 2 other guys it'll win every time. If they have a whole squad, you're going to need to think on your feet. And the "active pause" system doesn't actually stop time, it just slows it down. It gives you time to breathe, but you cant just hit pause and consider your options for hours.

The graphics as well aren't stellar. But graphics aren't a requirement for a great game. As I have said before, fantastic graphics can help draw you into a world, but it's the mark of great writing when you can be fully immersed in this fictional universe when the graphics are less impressive. That said, the graphics really aren't all that bad. Environments for the most part are well rendered, and major characters do look pretty great most of the time. The game only suffers when it comes to the random wandering NPC's and enemy combatants. They tend to be one of a very small number of recycled character models. One of the main characters, Mors, also has a dog, and the dog, well, it looks bad, it looks real bad. You wouldn't really notice, if not for the fact that you frequently get close up views of it every time you take control of it.

The voice acting ends up in the same department as the graphics. All of the major players are really spectacularly voiced, they sound real and believable, and listening to Mors gravely growl as he chastises and threatens those that get in his way really never gets old. Some side characters though are pretty bad admittedly. But again I haven't found any of them to be bad enough to take me out of the plot. Which is absolutely fantastically crafted. I know next to nothing about the Game of Thrones universe, (AKA A Song of Ice and Fire) and the game is crafted such that you don't have to. The two main characters are original to this game, so it's a stand alone title. But for fans of the series, the script went through the author of the books himself, so I'm told that it fits in perfectly with the canon.

Anyways I don't want to say much more at the moment, but I will try to update this once I've finished the game. I also have some word eating to do in regards to my comments on Bioware and Mass Effect 3, I take it back, I take it all back. Well, most of it anyways.

Dark Souls: Initial Thoughts

I picked this gem (so far) at gamestop just 2 days ago. So I admittedly haven't made much progress, being that I'm on a full time work schedule and have limited gaming time, especially when that game is as punishing as Dark Souls. But what I have seen so far really is amazingly impressive. Yes, you do die a lot. A lot a lot. But to be honest, it isn't over the top hard. Devil May Cry 3 was a lot harder, or at least it was back in the day when I first played it. But it's all extremely fine tuned, you have to plan things in advance and calculate all of your movements down to each individual swing of your sword. And in that regard it's in a totally different class from DMC3. Almost every enemy you face can kill you within seconds if you let your guard down. You need to move constantly, rolling, dodging, parrying. A single misstep can spell your end, and the loss of all of your souls (read: Experience Points) if you were reckless enough to get killed before reclaiming your power from your previous death.

Everything between boss fights is tailored for one thing and one thing only. To soften you up for whatever towering monstrosity is waiting through the next white light. I've only killed 2 bosses so far. The first was admittedly quite easy, I killed it on my first try, and I was honestly a little disappointed. I came to this game to get my ass kicked after all, I didn't want to beat BOSSES on my first attempt. That changed quickly though when I reached the second boss, the Taurus Demon. That one took me perhaps 15 tries. And each time you die you return to the last bonfire you rested at (bonfires are where you level up and restore estus flasks (read: healing potions) but each time you do this, all enemies respawn, so you can't just fight your way to the room before the boss, run back and heal, then go back at the boss. This might all sound really frustrating, and I can see where it would be if you go in expecting a usual modern game, which is typically an almost effortless romp more intended to present a story than anything else (which is fine don't get me wrong, but a good challenge doesn't hurt). But the thing is, when you finally kill that boss, or get passed that group that's been hounding you for countless deaths, it's one of the most gratifying moments you can possibly find in a video game. When you finally watch the giant minotaur demon disappear in a blinding flash of light and breathe that sigh of relief, you'll understand what I mean, and all the frustration will have been well worth it.

Less important factors here include the graphics and sound design. The graphics are ok, the textures aren't so great (mostly in the environment, character models, sans faces, actually look great and giant monsters are suitably intimidating.) but the animations are second to none. Everything moves, and controls, just about as smooth as silk. The sound design as well is really well done, everything sounds pretty much like you'd think it should, the thundering crash of a demons hammer smashing into the ground behind you will make your heart jump every time.

Anyways, once I beat it I'll be releasing a full review (it might be a while as my time is limited and the game is rumored to be about 100 hours long.). I'm also going to work on getting up my backlog of reviews including; Gears of War 3, F.E.A.R. 3, Dungeon Siege 3, (there are an awful lot of 3's in here...), Kingdoms of Amalur: Reckoning, Terraria, Skyrim (unless I did that already, I can't remember) Deus Ex: Human Revolution, and I think a couple more. Don't expect regular updates or anything but I'm hoping to get some writing done, maybe even this weekend. As always thanks for reading.

Cheap Deaths are not the same as Challenging Combat.

So lately I've started playing Doom 3. Because it was one of those games that came out when my parents didn't like gore and I was still young, and once I was "old enough" I just never got around to it. You'd think I would have been all over it being such a horror fanboy but eh, it looked like 10 hours of jump scares to me. Which in a way it is, but it's actually atmospheric enough to be creepy, and keep you jumping. But that isn't what this post is about, I'll prolly post a flash-back review in a few days or so when I beat it. This post is about the combat. I've got it on the easy setting because I've been playing very casually and have been playing for the creepy factor, not because I want a challenge, and for the most part that's what I'm getting. Combat isn't a cakewalk but it's hardly difficult. Then you happen to be standing next to an explosive barrel, a demon throws a fireball at you, and you die, instantly. It's so god damned frustrating I can't even explain it. Especially when the auto-save system only saves at the beginning of each stage, which can be fairly long. Or another example. I'm waiting for a lift to come down from above, a tiny enemy, like the size of a crab, comes up behind me and hits me, knocks me under the lift, and it crushes me. Fun right? Or how about when you get cornered by 2 of the charging enemies. Every time they hit you the camera flies around uncontrollably, it distorts, and you lose control of your character. 1 on 1 this isn't a big deal. When there are 2 of them, if one of them hits you, it's over. You won't be able to recover in time, the next one will hit you, then the first one comes in again, repeat until dead and screaming at computer. This can happen with large enough swarms of small enemies too. Where you don't get killed for lack of skill or effort, you get killed because the game is kind of broken in these encounters. It's frustrating and I wanted to rant about it. But, it's worth saying that this isn't enough to ruin the game for me. I just have to be as anal as they are backstage at The Birdcage about saving my game.

Bioware and Dragon Age 3 Updates.

So. No secret I've got my own personal beef with choices being made by Bioware as of late. But this isn't actually another rant. First off. And this is something I won't spend too much time talking about, they did announce an "Extended Cut" of ME3 coming as a free add-on this summer. So that's reassuring and may prompt me to pick up the game, we'll see. But as I grew up with games like Baldurs Gate, the Dragon Age series is more important to me, I feel like it's a more mature series, and I feel that, while DA2 had severe limitations (see my review here http://level2reviews.blogspot.com/2011/04/dragon-age-ii.html ) I still really loved it. And I think I'm one of the few that kind of enjoyed the ambiguity of and smaller scope of, the story. But things like the removal of party customization, the recycled levels, spawning waves of enemies really drug it down. And after the whole debacle of ME3, I've been pretty nervous about a potential DA 3, which has been all but announced at this point, only an idiot, or a COD player would think it wasn't gonna happen.

Anyways, today I was looking around the internet and I came across this Bioware-Dragon-Age-PAX which had some incredibly reassuring information. First off they are increasing the scope of the game since DA2, honestly I liked the core story of both games, but I really like that they are probably taking a less linear approach for 3. 2nd, they are going to let you give your party equipment. And potentially even have separate equipment slots. Meaning that you won't just find "Silver Plate Armor" on the ground. You might find boots, gloves, shoulder pads, a breastplate, (yes I know they did this previously but it looks more in depth now), and this equipment will have a visible effect on the equipped characters appearance without sacrificing their pre-set unique appearance and that in all honestly is awesome. I loved that you could equip characters in DA:O but I do have to admit, I didn't like how they lost their identity when you did so.

There was also a good deal of talk about not only decisions that matter in the long run, (which is always great) but also about unique character experiences. While they are still sticking with a voiced character (which is ok with me, both approaches for that have their merits) they are going to be working to make that character feel more like your own. Your class will change your experience with the world, your specialization will have an impact as well. Honestly almost all that was said was really reassuring to me. I certainly hope it all pans out as well as it seems. I still have a bit of a bad taste in my mouth, but if Bioware knocks DA3 out of the park, like it sounds like they might, I think I could give them a second chance.

Alex Jenkins 2012

Saints Row: The Third

So, I recently got, beat, and then started playing to death, Saints Row: The Third. Now typically this is the kind of game I would overlook. Then almost every single guy over at Giantbomb.com named it as their number 1 game of 2011. Then my brother got it, who also isn't the type to go for these kinds of games, and he absolutely loved it. So there I was, playing Saints Row: The Third. And before I get into it I just want to point out, all the critics who gave it a hard time for its graphics, are either drunk, or honestly being bribed by other companies to dis it. It's probably the best looking open world game of this type that I've ever seen. It puts GTA IV to shame and leaves it crying to itself in the corner. And really it keeps up just fine with most recent titles, including linear games that can afford to pile on the graphics.

You can fully customize your character, including face, tattoos, build, hair, voice, and clothing.

So for those of you who don't know already, the premise of SR3 is this. You are the leader of the Third Street Saints, you're moving into a city called Steelport to spread your gang having recently achieved a level of celebrity (The Saints have a movie deal in the works, their own clothing shops, and a licensed energy drink called "Saints Flow"). But things quickly go south for the saints as they realize they aren't the only gang in town and after losing all of their funding they are forced to build up from scratch and force the other gang(s) out. It's a fairly simple premise, and it doesn't need to be anything else to be perfectly honest. The back story really just exists to provide a vehicle for the most over the top violence and general insanity I've ever seen in any video game. This makes Just Cause 2 look like Mario people.

Yep, that's a toilet with a megaman cannon. in cyberspace.

The opening level for example, (well the opening 2 anyways) features you first robbing a bank by literally pulling the vault out of the building with a helicopter and fighting off S.W.A.T. while standing on top of the vault dangling below the chopper, all while another helicopter tries to shoot you off. The mission immediately following this has you escaping from a helicopter. You free fall out the back, dodging debris and falling cars to catch a gang mate, then another helicopter tries to ram you, you kick through the windshield, dropping your gang mate, kill everyone in the helicopter while still falling, then come out the back and catch her again. (Oh and the whole time you're falling you're having a firefight with the enemy gang who dove out after you).

Guardian Angel missions are a lot of fun. Especially when you have a coop partner.

Admittedly the pace slows up quite a bit after these opening segments, but with a campaign as lengthy and varied as SR3 you won't be bothered by it. There's plenty more good stuff to come, like a luchador wrestling match with chainsaws, an insane Japanese man dressed as a cat who runs a gladiatorial arena called Professor Genki's Super Ethical Reality Climax, and open combat with a massive anti gang military operation featuring tanks and fighter jets. What I'm getting at is this. SR3 IS NOTHING LIKE GTA. The only similarity is that they both take place in cities, are open world, and have cars. That is where it ends. SR3 has no pretense of a mature emotional storyline, it isn't trying to say anything about poverty or immigration. It just wants you to blow shit up and look good doing it. That said however, the story is actually fairly good, a bit predictable at times sure, but it's pretty well developed and has enough turns to keep you invested.

Well acted and animated cutscenes punctuate most major missions.

Important missions are often accompanied by music outside of your car radio (which has several great stations, including one based on Adult Swim, and one which allows you to compile your favorites from each station). This makes things a lot of fun and the music always fits almost a little too well. Early on when you're barreling into an enemy gang's "crib" Power, by Kanye West starts playing. I hate Kanye as I'm sure most of you do, but it fits so damn well here, and it makes you feel that much more involved in the game.

As far as combat goes, it's fairly rare that you're going to feel particularly challenged, because that isn't really the point of SR3, it just wants you to feel like a badass, and it succeeds, it really does. There will be moments, especially towards the end of the regular campaign where you might get killed a few times, but typically it's because you got surrounded by over 20 soldiers or gangsters and got shot to shit, if you keep moving and shooting you really won't die often. And that's not to mention the high level upgrades which make you IMMUNE TO BULLETS AND EXPLOSIONS. Once you get those you can hold out all day against endless hordes of quite literally anything the game throws at you.

I mentioned Luchadores right?

I also want to mention the extent that these guys went to with voice work. There are 7 voices total for the main character, 3 male, 3 female, and... 1 zombie... They recorded all the dialogue with each and every voice (just don't tell bioware, they'd be awful upset if they found out someone called them out on their fucking laziness) and as far as I've heard, all the voice acting is great. The characters you meet in the game all sound believable, and the citizens screams of terror as they flee from the man with infinite rocket launcher ammo sound suitably convincing.

You can even kill furries. That was probably my favorite part.

All in all if you rip straight through the main campaign without much fussing around with activities and side missions, you'll probably clock in at somewhere around 13-15 hours. Which on its own is a lengthy campaign. But after you beat it you're free to roam around the city as you please completing any side missions you may not have done. Unfortunately there is no New Game+ feature, and no replayable missions (with the exception of the final mission so you can experience both endings) but I wasn't too bothered by it, there are so many activities and side missions scattered around the map that you won't really notice. But anyways it would take anyone probably close to 30 hours to complete everything this game has to offer. And even after that it's still just as fun to run around and cause general mayhem, did you know you can use explosive pistol rounds to keep a body suspended in the air and even land him on top of a building?

10/10 from me, this is a hell of a game.
Saints Row: The Third is property of THQ
All else is ©Alex Jenkins 2012

SO YOU CAUGHT ME. I'M A LIAR. But there is news. Baldur's Gate: Enhanced Edition.

So, just a quick update. Looks like there's an updated version of Baldur's Gate being thrown together by a few of the blokes responsible for the original game. Now, those of you who associate Baldur's Gate with Bioware. Don't fret, Bioware is completely uninvolved so Baldur's Gate isn't going to be turned into a first person shooter or a button masher. It's nothing too substantial over the core game mind you, just very VERY slight graphical cleanup, and some improvements to the interface. They also made mention of adding a bit more recorded dialogue to the game, those of you who played the original might remember it being fairly text heavy, this is probably going to still be the case, but there will at least be a little more than before. Oh also, inexplicably, they're making it compatible with the iPad? I dunno what that's all about. But fingers crossed for an early release, (and enough updates to make it worth it)

Salvage (the thing no one could possibly do for this movie)

So I'm reviewing a movie. And I'll have you know I'm starting the writing process about half way through. It's a British horror film, about 2 of the least likeable people on the planet. And their attempt to survive the attacks of some kind of creature which (42 minutes in) I have yet to see. As such it's going to turn into a bit of a running commentary after a point, but regardless. Things started off honestly quite strong, there was this bit between a father and his daughter as they ride in a car, the father is divorced, and is driving his daughter to spend a weekend with her mother. The chemistry between the two characters is solid and you'll find yourself caring about what happens to these two. So then, moments later, we discard them. For two pieces of filth clinging to the un-wiped ass of the world. We're with the fathers wife, she clearly cheated on him, and we meet her sleeping with a man she doesn't know, rather than seeing her daughter. Her daughter, after discovering that her mother is still a whore, takes off. So we get, cheating slut of a mother, and the guy she was getting porked by. Turns out the guy is just as huge of a piece of crap, having a wife and two children of his own back home.
           YOU MAY NOW ASK YOURSELF. "self, why should i care about these two? These are the type of people whose death I normally applaud in these films?" of course you might not use those specific words but hey. And you know what your self is gonna say? "shit abstract concept of consciousness, I have no idea! I don't like them either!". Anyways, before I diverge too far, I'd like to note my deepest condolences to the special effects team whose budget for blood effects allowed only for a couple bags of cheetos. I'm not kidding, the blood is bright vibrant orange. It's bizarre. When it's actually escaping from a wound it's red. Then when it's on someones face, it's like a melted down traffic cone. 50 minutes now by the way guys, the last 8 minutes have been nothing but the two cheating fucktards talking about how everything is everyone elses fault. I'd just like to say to the writers. When you want to write characters that people are going to care about? And be sympathetic towards? Maybe try and... I dunno, make them even register as human beings?
          I think at this point, what's going on, is the director using the whole monster attack as a way to provide a backdrop for human drama. This is a great idea in most cases, The Walking Dead, for example, is all about the people, not the zombies, 28 Days Later was the same deal. But the reason it works for those examples, is that the characters have sensible motivations, you can sympathize with them, understand them, you even like them. But it doesn't work here. By the way. I finally saw the creature. I've never been more dumbfounded in my life. I'd also like to point out the amazing racket the fucking thing is making, it's bellowing like some sort of farm animal having it's back door violated, meanwhile it killed at least 3 people earlier without making even the slightest sound. Not a footstep, not a breath, nothing. And beyond this it doesn't appear to have any particular motivation, there's no rhyme or reason to who it's killing or how it's doing it. It's not killing to eat. It's not killing to survive, it's just killing people. I, this.... this movie is really stupid you guys.
          Oh, while we're talking about massive and glaring inconsistencies, a character who was just killed, horribly, and bloody, wet tearing sound effects and all. Just ran up on the street, with nothing more than a small puncture wound in his side. One second he'll find it impossible to even stand on his own feet, then he'll be running. Now he's dead and the girl is flailing her arms around screaming. Fucking christ I don't even know if I can finish this. I don't normally get too bothered by things like monster motivations or plot holes, or liberal use of the whole deus ex machina thing. But this is getting absurd, it has the feel of a story a young child tells, when he's making the whole thing up on the spot. "Oh then! then the monster gets the man! Then the military gets the lady! But! But it turns out the man wasnt dead! he saves the girl!". I am so glad this pile of shit is only 75 minutes long, and we're at the 64 minute mark now. And the military is even inconsistent now! Previously they didn't hurt a soul unless they left their homes, now they just capped a little girl, who was hiding, in her home, for no reason. Get your shit together guys. I feel like you were tripping balls when you put this on paper. Mother is now talking to her daughter through the door of her home, and the camera angle makes it painfully obvious she is going to get dropped, and no one is going to feel bad about it. At all. Well, she didn't die, not yet at least. It was far dumber. She backed slowly into the dark trying to look scary then somehow, in one run, broke through the front door, which was solid wood by the way, she weighs prolly 140? Prolly would have been too smart to toss a lawn chair through the flimsy glass doors around back.
          Oh by the way, the monster, now apparently wields a fire poker, and can be almost overpowered by a couple of pencil thin women. And it... has a flannel shirt... oh man. Alright. So what I just saw. Well there was one redeeming factor, which I'll get to in a minute. Let me just paint this scene for you. And PLEASE in the meantime, keep in mind, dozens of highly trained Black ops operatives were sent in to kill this thing, they have been torn to shreds, effortlessly, and thrown aside, bullets do not harm the beast, unless the highly trained operatives just can't aim for a shit and through hundreds of rounds haven't hit it once. So anyways. Mother gets grabbed by the beast through a door and pinned to it, it holds out the fire poker through the door so they can grab it. Daughter runs away, opens the front door, but almost immediately the creature is on her and has her pinned. Mother walks up behind it, and stabs it through the neck with a blunt fire poker. It's dead. I don't even. So anyways she pulls the poker out, turns her hands towards the sky and starts screaming, for no reason, again. And then the best part of the whole movie, Black ops comes out of the bushes, and blam. Mother. Drops. Dead. Anyways the pain is over. I think I'm going to go drink through the suffering.

Oh Jesus, you guys, what do you want? (The Walking Dead season 2 finale, Mass Effect 3, and I'm sort of lazy)

I apologize but this is going to be more of an assorted bit of rambling on a couple of different subjects. School has absorbed more of my time than I expected this semester so I've had no real time to write, besides that I haven't even had time to play many games, and when I've had free time I feel like an idiot spending it replaying games I've already beaten time and again, not because I dislike replaying old games, just because it seems there are better things to do with what limited time I get. SO ANYWAYS. Number one is I've finally stopped putting it off and am now writing my novel. Thus far I have about 50 pages typed out, unedited of course but I'm fairly happy with all of it so far. I know what you're thinking, "no free time to write? How'd you write 50 pages then?" well I'll tell you, you observant perceptive bastard. For 2 days I just didn't really sleep. Not because I simply said, "I'm gonna stay up all night and write this." but because I got so absorbed in what I was doing that I neglected the passage of time and found myself staring blearily out at sunrise. So regardless, that's happening.

And now the rant section.

So I've been a pretty huge fan of "The Walking Dead" (I did not read the comic books) since it first aired. It was the thing that the zombie genre really needed after the influx of B-movies and just general crap that hollywood has been farting out to capitalize on the momentous increase in the genre's popularity. They focused on the human element, and the zombie apocalypse essentially formed a backdrop for this group of survivors and their struggles, it focused on how the apocalypse would test their humanity, how much they could take. The mistake so many make is focusing on the zombie part itself. That just gets boring. So as I sat there last Sunday, excitedly watching the season finale, I was really enjoying myself. *SPOILERS FROM HERE ON OUT BTW* Hell it even looked like they might kill off that turbo-cunt Andrea. Everything built up to it, she was cornered. Then the show took everything that made it so good, so wildly successful, and threw it out the window. But not before taking a dump on it. And we were left with one of the most over the top, stupid, nonsensical scenes I have seen in any show. Andrea gets saved. By a ninja. With 2 pet zombies. And a katana. Now I'm told, that this character "Michonne" is pivotal to the comic books, and yes I do get that this series is based on comics. But the thing is, they (the show) need to decide which approach they want. Do they want to use the comics as inspiration (which they have done so far) and then build around that foundation? Or do they want to go with the over the top often goofy style of a comic book? Which is not to say that the comic book style is a bad thing overall, but it just doesn't fit. And if they wanted to do that they should have been having crazy shootouts, and everyone in the group should have been a professional martial artist, rather than taking this really brutal honest approach to this circle of desperate people, and then randomly throwing a super hero into the mix. Also I really really feel like the writers just somehow know that I hate Andrea and her intense case of man face (and uncontrollable urges to convince everyone in the world to kill themselves) with a passion because I lost count of how many times they built up to her being killed only to pull the rug out from under me. Fucking Deus Ex Machina.

On to the next rant.

I fucking hate Bioware. There, I said it. In my eyes they are many millions of miles past the point of no return. I refuse to even buy Mass Effect 3. I've read about it. I know how it ends. I wouldn't pay for that if it were 5 dollars in the bargain bin. It's a piece of shit action game with a piece of shit story. Enough said. I'm just gonna keep pretending Bioware ceased to exist just after Dragon Age: Origins was released. But that isn't what this rant is about. This rant is about video game critics and how blatantly corrupt they are. You don't really need to look farther than metacritic (averages reviews from all different sources if you dont already know about it) to know something is wrong. The critic average is a 90. The player average? is a 3.5 out of 10 (on the pc version, xbox is something like 4.5, still real bad). So what's the deal? Are we not playing the same game? Or is it perhaps something else? Maybe EA is a huge company and bought them out? Or maybe the critics tend to be the same meat-heads that keep going out and buying COD after COD even though they know it's going to be exactly the same right down to the pixels on the guns (that's one definition of insanity by the way, in case you guys didnt know). And that's disheartening to me. Not that I've ever bought a game solely due to critic reviews, and you shouldn't either. If anyone ever told me they bought something just cause I gave it a good review I'd just see where all that wool was hiding and be on my way. But the thing is, every year the numbers seem more and more artificial, great games get slammed in reviews, generic trash pulls perfect 10's. Look at games like Rise of the Argonauts, personally I loved the game, critics almost universally slammed it, most frequently referencing "too much walking and talking" as their chief complaint. Basically, this isn't an action game, it's got too much smart stuff! We don't want it! It's got a 54 from critics, a very low score, and a 7.5 from players, (based on an admittedly small number of players) the only honest complaint I could level on the game is that it has some nasty technical issues. But the critics prolly weren't being bribed by Liquid Entertainment. Hell, recently I even discovered that back in the day, a certain Jeff Gerstmann, from over at Giantbomb.com (a great website with great critics, including Jeff, by the way, you should check it out) was fired from his position at gamespot.com for writing a bad review to a sponsor game (Kane & Lynch: Dead Men, I think it was). And if that doesn't speak volumes on the industry I don't know what does. Anyways I'll crank out the rest of my review for Deux Ex: Human Revolution either tonight or tomorrow night.

Alex Jenkins 2012

In Defense of the QTE

Ever since they came into prominence (somewhere around the release of God of War) Quick time events have been taking flack. The general complaint that I tend to hear is that QTE's "take you out of the action", or "distract you from what's happening on screen". Here's the thing, as far as distracting you, if you, most games make a point of either placing the prompts on the action (God of War typically places the prompt on top of or above the monster you are killing) so that you don't have to look away, or making the prompts large and color coded so that you can more or less determine what they are without having to focus on them directly. Now I do understand that there are some games that do a piss poor job of this, it's not uncommon for the button prompt to be a tiny colorless dot at the bottom of the screen such that you really do have to just stare at it in order to catch the command in time, but this does not make up the majority. But the main complaint is usually being taken out of the action. Ok guys. This doesn't even make sense. QTE's with VERY FEW exceptions, take place during what would otherwise be a cutscene. And they typically allow the executions of moves that are too intricate and complex to be implemented in normal gameplay, we just don't have the technology, you would need a controller with hundreds of buttons to handle that kind of input. So what most of these QTE's are doing, is not taking you out of the action, they are giving you a chance to participate in things that you would otherwise just stare at and watch. I can understand that some of you just don't want to have to do anything during a cutscene, you'd rather just watch, that's a fair opinion and I can understand it. But I can't understand people who make the complaints that I have mentioned above. To me a well done QTE just gives the player a chance to experience what his character is supposed to be capable of, like pulling a cyclops's eye out of its socket, or cutting a hell beats rider in half and taking the creature for yourself. Hell, if we WERE capable of putting that kind of stuff into standard gameplay, then yeah, I'd love to see QTE's fade away, but until then, I'm ok with them. And if you're going to bitch about them, at least try to make your complaints make sense eh?

Warhammer 40,000: Space Marine (I give it an 8.75)

Well, I'm a bit late on the wagon here but I finally got my hands on the much anticipated 3rd person action title. I've been playing the actual table top game since I was quite young, and the game itself is all good fun but really the lore and characters involved is what grabbed my interest. And besides the Dawn of War games (Both of which are classics) a 3rd person action approach just seems the most sensible. The most notable thing about the Warhammer universe is it's unrelenting brutality and violence. You don't just kill your foe's, you eviscerate them, cleave them in half, or leave their boots sitting alone in a smoldering crater. And Space Marine has captured that over the top brutality perfectly.

You take the role of Captain Titus of The Ultramarines (the preeminent chapter of the Space Marines in 40k lore) as he is en route to a forge world (a planet devoted to the creation of the imperiums instruments of war) to quell an Ork invasion, and secure the most valuable strategic assets on the planet, the titans. The plot from there is a straight forward affair, and well it should be, Warhammer 40,000 is, and likely never will be about deep webs of intrigue. From a Space Marine's point of view, he exists to destroy the enemies of man. And that, is exactly what you do.

At first glance it's a standard over the shoulder shooter but without cover. You run around firing the many weapons at your disposal, the bolt pistol, plasma pistol, bolter, storm bolter, stalker bolter, vengeance launcher, lascannon, melta gun, and plasma gun, but only until you move into melee range, and that's where things get truly gruesome. There are several melee weapons in the game, but probably the most viscerally entertaining of them is the Chainsword. The Chainsword is exactly what it sounds like, a massive sword with a chainsaw in place of a blade. Other weapons include, the combat knife, the power axe, and the Thunder Hammer. In melee you have several attack options, standard swings, stunning blows, and horrifyingly brutal executions. You can chain swings and "kicks" as the game often refers to them for various effects. For example, 3 swings with the chain sword followed by a kick, causes the captain to slam his foot down with enough force to send everyone around him flying, and enough to stun the target directly in front of him, leaving the target vulnerable to an execution. Executions aren't just grizzly fun though, they serve a purpose as well, not only do they take an opponent quite definitively from the battle, but they also restore a portion of Titus' health, proportionate to the strength of the enemy. Executing an elite, for example, will restore Titus to full health, while executing a standard Ork Boy will reward you with about half of your health. You are vulnerable while performing these moves however, so often the health you gain from doing it, doesn't outweigh that which you gain. So your best course of action is often to save these for a last resort, or to keep one enemy alive to harvest once his friends are dead.

Yep, that's a chainsaw, through his mouth.

There is a portion of the game, a little bit past the half way mark, where things get abruptly more difficult. For the first half of the game I was able to bull rush my way into melee and cut apart my enemies with nary a scratch on me in the end. But after the half way point I found myself getting killed left and right. Thankfully the checkpoint system is (usually) very good, and it's rare that you're set back more than 5 minutes or so after death.

And that brings us to graphics, which in this case are a bit of a mixed bag. Don't get me wrong, nothing looks outright bad, this isn't another COD MW3 or Duke Nukem Forever. But the environments feel a little bit flat on occasion, they aren't all that well textured. Artistically they are accurate and true to the source material but in execution they came out somewhat wanting. Character models however are ridiculously well detailed. As you carve apart your Orkish and Daemonic enemies you will find yourself coated in their blood, even seeping into the recesses of your power armors ornate carvings. To be fair though, character models are all you're likely to take note of, combat simply moves too quickly to be able to stop and appreciate your surroundings. And the pace of the game itself is such that you are constantly fighting for your life. It's only on a few rare occasions that you actually walk, talk, and have a chance to look around. Most dialogue is given either in cutscenes or, shouted over the roar of chainswords and bolter fire.

Did I mention it's violent?

Another thing that Relic and co got right once again is the personality of the separate factions in play. The bullheaded, stupid Orks, who really only want a good fight. The forces of Chaos, as pure an evil as exists, who want only to subjugate or kill every living thing. And the Space Marines, whose single purpose is to stop the marauding forces of evil, by any, and I do mean any, means necessary. Their greatest success with this game though, was probably the personality of the Orks. When the space marines arrive and begin tearing their friends into little christmas colored pieces, rather than screaming and running they simply shout things like "It's a fight now!" or "It's the space marines! Get em' boys!". Things like this are probably the only lighthearted moments in the game, which is fitting, because in 40k, the only team with any kind of a sense of humor, is the Ork's (I'm not spelling that wrong by the way, the Ork's are just stupid and have always spelled their own name wrong to the extent that it's now the right way to spell it.)

What story exists is typically quite simple, it does have one or two fairly solid twists that don't feel too contrived or forced. But it's a fairly straight forward save the world from evil type of romp. And I won't say more than I already have for fear of ruining the few high moments the story presents. I've heard many people actually complaining about the simple story, but I can only assume that these are people who have never had knowledge of the source material. And as usual I never gave the multiplayer a real try so you'll have to look elsewhere if you want to hear about it, sorry. But all in all Space Marine is exactly what a fan of the source material could want in a game, (unless you're a fan of the Ork's or Daemons) it's brutal bloody and unrelentingly violent from beginning to end, it's fun to play, and the story provides just enough of a vehicle to keep the bullets and chainswords flying. I give it an 8.75 out of 10. THPATHE MUREEEEEEEENS

Space Marine is property of Relic
All else is ©Alex Jenkins 2012